Through A Mirror Darkly
by Vorcha Girl
Summary: Set in mirror-verse where Kaidan Alenko never left BAaT after killing Vyrnnus and he became Subject Zero instead of Jack. He's bad. He's wicked. He's a tattooed criminal. And he has quite a thing for Commander Pandora Shepard. (Shenko / AU)
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

 **A/N - I wrote this for Kaidan Appreciation Week on Tumblr, but thought I would share it here it's going to be an ongoing fic about my tattooed psychotic Kaidan and his attraction for Pandora Shepard. Coverart of Subject Zero Alenko is by Georgia Le-Flay and used with permission.**

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"Do I make you nervous?"

The voice floated out of the shadows, deceptively soft, and Shepard bit back a gasp as Kaidan materialised beside her, a smirk gracing his lips as his eyes slipped down her form. He circled around her slowly, his biotics tickling over her skin like ghostly fingertips, and with a husky chuckle he came to a stop in front of her and raised an eyebrow.

"You're trembling," he commented, tracing a finger along her jawline. "Your heart is racing and your breathing is shallow."

Shepard swallowed hard and fought not to step away. "You startled me."

"Did I?"

She was used to Kaidan's games by now; used to him prowling around the cargo bay beneath engineering and lurking in dark corners. Used to his surly attitude, his sarcastic comebacks, and the perpetual odour of biotics and cigarettes that clung to his tattooed skin. Hell, she was even used to the way he'd began casually touching her – the brush of his hip against hers as he walked past, the press of his leg against hers when they sat together, and the firm grip of his hand in hers when he helped her into the shuttle.

It was so casual and unobtrusive that she hadn't even noticed he was doing it at first. Most men she'd worked with in the past had either treated her like just another soldier or they'd made the terminal mistake of coming onto her like a ton of bricks. Kaidan was different. He'd stayed away as much as he could and had resisted her attempts to get to know him better.

She'd pulled his story from him reluctantly; the torture he'd suffered at BAaT, the resulting death of a teacher, and his eventual Cat 6 discharge from the Alliance. He'd been casual about killing, casual about crime, casual about so many of the terrible things he'd done. In fact, he wore most of them as a badge of honour permanently tattooed on his skin.

Kaidan Alenko was dangerous, that much was certain, but Shepard had the unshakeable feeling that there was more to him than met the eye.

"You know you did." Shepard tried to calm the fluttering in her stomach as he moved closer, his eyes flicking down her lips and up again. "You like watching me jump."

He grinned and inclined his head. "I can't deny it," he admitted. "You're not scared of me otherwise."

Shepard snorted softly and crossed her arms over her chest, aware it was a defensive move but unable to help herself.

"And you want me to be scared?" she asked.

Surprised flashed across Kaidan's face and he hesitated, pausing a few feet away and considering her for a long moment. His golden eyes focused on her with an intensity that sent a shiver down her spine and finally he shook his head.

"No," he said in a husky growl. "I don't want you to be scared of me."

Her heart began to pound at his admission, leaping in her chest as though trying to break free.

"Then what do you want?" Shepard drew in a deep breath and took a step closer to him, pushing through the warm cloud of his biotics. "Tell me."

Kaidan watched her approach like a man in a dream and when she stopped only inches from him he raised one hand to her waist, his touch to gentle she barely felt the pressure. His other hand traced her jaw again, light as a feather, and his eyes flashed with blue as he closed the gap between them, so his body was only millimetres from hers.

"I want you," he muttered as though the words were being tortured out of him. "I want to kiss you, to hold you, to make you mine."

Shepard gasped as he snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her tightly to him, his other hand winding tightly in her hair. His lowered his mouth to hers slowly, his eyes watching the entire time as though waiting for her to pull away or cry for help. When she didn't he smirked, and finally, after months of wondering what it would be like to feel those lips against hers, he kissed her.

The kiss was gentle, coaxing, his lips soft even as he held her fast. Shepard let him set the pace, opening her mouth to his and groaning at the velvet slide of his tongue against hers. He tasted like peppermint gum, and with another small sound she melted against him, her arms winding around his neck. Desire pounded through her in waves, until Kaidan was the only thing she could focus on.

He drew back with no warning, tearing his mouth away and sucking in a breath as he stared at her accusingly. "What have you done to me?"

"I could ask you the same question," she retorted, only too aware of the pressure of his arms around her and how warm and solid his body felt under her hands. "You started this."

Kaidan glowered, but if anything his arms tightened.

"It's madness," he growled. "This entire thing is madness."

"Complete insanity," Shepard agreed.

But neither of them pulled away …


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

 **A/N - I intended for this to be a smutty continuation of the last chapter, but instead it turned out to be another little moment. But, uh, it's rather hot. And the sexy times is coming next chapter! Enjoy! Thank you to everyone who read the last chapter, and especially to those people who have followed along, favourites or reviewed - it's much appreciated!**

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The Normandy's drive core pulsed rhythmically and blue waves of energy danced around the glowing sphere like blue flames. Shepard watched it, her hands clasped loosely on the balcony rail in engineering as she took a moment to gather her thoughts. So far the mission to stop the Collectors had gone well, but she had concerns about so many of the Illusive Man's orders, not least that this Reaper IFF seemed far too convenient for her liking.

Something was off.

She sighed and glanced down at her hands, chewing on her lower lip and trying to puzzle out how she'd wound up in his predicament; stuck working for Cerberus with a crew of misfits and aliens who she was sure the organisation normally would have happily murdered. Was the Illusive man as desperate to help the colonies as he claimed? Or were they a suicide squad of sorts? Expendable ammunition in his attempt to breach the Omega Relay?

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Shepard jumped at the sound of Kaidan's voice and turned to find the biotic lounging a few metres behind her, his dark eyes pulsing with blue light as his biotics reacted to the eezo in the core.

"Just thinking about the mission," she swallowed hard as he sauntered towards her slowly. "Wondering exactly what it is I've got myself in for."

"Trouble, I'd say," Kaidan suggested as he drew closer. "And lots of if."

Shepard tried to ignore the prickling sensation that crept over her skin at his approach. "The only trouble here is you," she joked, unsure why she still felt so tense around him when they'd already been so intimate with each other.

He chuckled and before she knew what he was doing he pinned her against the railing, his hands either side of her hips and his feet either side of hers. _Trapping her_. Kaidan was so close she could feel the heat coming off him and see in vivid detail the intricate patterns of his tattoos. She drew in a shaky breath and raised her head to meet his eyes, not surprised to see him smirking at her.

He watched her for a moment and then slowly started to lower his mouth to hers, his eyes half-lidded with desire.

"What are you doing?" she hissed, glancing over his shoulder at the doors. "Someone could come down here and see us at any minute!"

Kaidan laughed, his breath soft against her cheek. "Do you really think I give a fuck who sees me with you, _Commander_?" His tone made a mockery of her title. "Besides," his eyes dropped to her lips and he smiled. "The temptation to refresh my memory is far too hard to resist."

Shepard knew she ought to shove him away and tell him to get lost, after all, Tali, Gabby or Ken might appear at any moment and catch them. And she could only imagine how fast the news that she was canoodling with the psychotic biotic would spread through the ship. Hell, Garrus and Zaeed would never let her live it down and Kelly would probably drive her mad begging for all the juicy details.

But she didn't push him away.

His kiss was savage, needy; all tongue, teeth and lips as he wrapped one arm around her waist and lifted her with a throaty growl. He set her on the railing and nudged her legs apart so he could stand between them, his free hand sliding up one thigh, over her hip and then under her shirt. Shepard whimpered, hungry for more as his palmed her breast and dragged his thumb over her lace covered nipple.

Her skin tingled, her body burned, and she ached to have him inside of her, the desire fueled by Kaidan's aggressive enthusiasm and the pulsing biotic energy at her back.

His tongue slid against hers like hot velvet and his hands clutched her tighter as he ground himself against her. Shepard's hands roamed his skin, sliding along broad shoulders, down muscled arms, and stroking across the expanse of his chest. He responded by dragging her even closer to him, pulling her off the railing and staggering back a few steps as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

"I want you so fucking bad," he whispered as he tore his mouth from hers, his eyes wild. "Come downstairs with me."

"Yes," Shepard agreed instantly, just as desperate to be with him as he was with her.

She opened her mouth to say more when the sound of a door opening and chattering voices echoed back to them and they sprung apart like startled cats. Shepard cursed and frantically pulled her ruffled clothes back into place, and Kaidan straightened and assumed a look of diffidence, as though he hadn't been taken by surprise. A moment later Gabby and Ken strolled into engineering and nodded politely at the two of them.

"Commander," they greeted her in unison and vanished out of view and returned to their control panel.

Shepard let out a breath and shook her head at Kaidan. "You," she told him. "Almost got us caught."

He scoffed. "Yeah, like that was all _my_ fault. I suppose you're going to scurry away now instead of coming downstairs?"

"Of course I am," she replied, almost amused when he face fell before he could hide the reaction. "But I'm also expecting you up in my cabin in five minutes, are we clear Mister Alenko?"

Kaidan stared at her for a beat, and then he smirked. "Crystal clear, _commander_."


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

 **A/N – My goodness! I'm so blown away by how many people are enjoying this story and giving me such wonderful feedback! *Hugs*** **Thank you all so much, it means the world and I apologise if I haven't responded to your reviews yet, I've had a very busy week and am a little behind** **! I really hope you enjoy this chapter – it is very very very NSFW and includes lots of smutty biotic sex. This chapter is dedicated to my friend TLCinbflo for helping me out of a pickle earlier in the week!**

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Kaidan didn't bother to knock as he entered her cabin, instead his shadow announced him; stretching across the floor as his form filled the doorway.

Pandora's breath caught in her throat and she froze at his sudden appearance, her stomach turning nervously as he watched her. Kaidan sauntered into the room on a wave of biotic energy, pausing to close and lock the door behind him before he continued on. She shivered, feeling very much like a sheep who'd just invited the big bad wolf over to dinner as she watched him stalk towards her.

She'd spent the last few minutes wearing a path in the carpet as she paced back and forth, half frightened of what would happen when Kaidan got here, and half frightened he wouldn't turn up at all. But he'd come. She swallowed, her heart pounding as she followed his movements with her eyes, entranced by the play of light over his skin and the rippling effect it gave his tattoos.

He was beautiful.

Terrifying, powerful, and dangerous, yes. But also incredibly beautiful.

He crossed the room in slow, steady steps, his eyes trained on hers, holding her fast in place as he came to a stop and _smiled_. She shivered, unable to help herself as that smile made things low in her belly pull pleasantly tight. The air crackled between them with tension, biotics, and with everything that wasn't being said.

 _I want you._

 _I need you._

"You're looking frightened again," he said gruffly, gently breaking the silence as he reached out and settled his hands on her waist.

His touch was warm, pleasant, and Pandora swallowed hard as Kaidan traced small circles on her skin with his thumbs. His eyes dropped to her lips, and then lower, skirting over the shape of her body under her BDUs as he eased her closer. The brush of her body against hers was slow and careful and it gave her every opportunity to draw back and put space between them.

"I'm not frightened," she murmured as Kaidan lifted a hand to her face, tracing her cheek. "Just a little nervous."

"You weren't nervous downstairs." He tilted her chin up and scooped her closer with the other hand, dipping his head and holding his mouth just above hers. "Downstairs you wanted this; you wanted me."

His words were careful but his tone was fierce, proud almost, as though he were worried she would deny him or pretend it had been nothing. The knowledge that he wanted this, that he needed her to want him, sent a jolt of electricity through her veins and Pandora sucked in a breath, her tongue darting out to wet her lower lip as she searched his gaze. He looked angry, determined, and aroused, but there was something softer in his gaze; a need that softened his edges and gave him a kind of vulnerability.

"I do want this," she confessed. "I've thought about it a lot. About you touching me, holding me, fucking me-"

He growled, a low feral sound that gave her goose bumps, and brought his mouth down on hers in a kiss that was as violent as it was passionate. His hand tightened in her hair, holding her still while his other hand slid down the curve of her ass, along one thigh and lifted her leg over his hip, bringing them into a more intimate contact. Pandora groaned at the feel of his erection pressing against her through their clothes, long and hard, and she rolled her hips, grinding against him.

"I watched you," Kaidan confessed abruptly as he tore his mouth from hers, his eyes burning with desire. "Whenever we were in the mess or on a mission, I watched you. You're so beautiful." The words were harsh, almost torn from him. "I'd see the way you were with Vakarian and Joker, so relaxed and carefree, and I was jealous. I wanted that. I wanted you to look at me like that." He chuckled abruptly and shook his head. "It wasn't until later that I noticed you looked at me in a whole other way, and that you watched me too."

Pandora swallowed and ran her hands along his shoulders, tracing the straps that were a mockery of an Alliance uniform. "Well, you do walk around without a shirt on most of the time-"

"So it's my body you're after is it?" He sounded too casual, too light, and when she looked into his eyes she saw a shadow of doubt flickering there.

"The body is nice," she agreed. "But I like _you_. You're not like any of the men I've met before-"

Kaidan laughed at that. "Really? I have a couple of layers of neurosis to get through first, sure, but I'm still a man underneath it. Despite what your Alliance and Cerberus tried to do to me, I'm still just a man."

His grip tightened on her painfully and he lowered his mouth to hers again, his tongue snaking out and tracing along her lip in the same path her own had taken. The crackle of biotics from his hands was phenomenal as he slid them down her body and began undoing the fastenings of her BDU jacket, his fingers nimble and quick.

Pandora's heart caught in her chest as the zip on her jacket stuck, and with a growl of frustration Kaidan ripped it open, his muscles flexing powerfully and rippling beneath his tattooed skin. The movement should have scared her, it was a violent, abrupt move, but instead heat pooled in her belly and she grabbed his shoulders and hauled him to her, eagerly pressing her mouth to his. Kaidan groaned his pleasure into her mouth and his hands slid beneath her jacket and under her shirt.

His fingertips were rough and calloused on her skin, and they tickled as they followed the curve of her waist and traced the underwire of her bra. They separated again, Pandora tearing her mouth from his and gasping for breath as her jacket slid from her shoulders and onto the floor. Her shirt went next, whisked over her head in a single moment by Kaidan who then flung it over his shoulder and fastened greedy eyes on her body.

He slid his fingers into the waistband of her pants and pulled her closer to him, teasing her with his strength as he watched her, gauging her reaction. The biotic blue in his eyes were brighter, more vibrant, and Pandora stared into them as though bespelled, some distant part of her mind wondering if he'd flare during sex – she did – but never having been with another biotic she didn't know if that was normal.

His hands dropped to the fastenings of her pants and very slowly, very deliberately, he began to undo them, a smirk creeping across his lips when she made no move to stop him. She couldn't have stopped him if she'd wanted to; her legs and arms felt like jelly and her body was possessed by a ferocious burning need to feel his skin against hers. Pandora whimpered and clutched at his shoulders as Kaidan slid one hand into her unfastened pants, rubbing his thumb against the lacy fabric of her panties.

"Kaidan!" she moaned his name and clutched him harder.

He chuckled, a deep throaty male laugh that sent shivers down her spine. "You like that, huh?"

"Yes," Pandora whispered, the sensation of his fingers stroking her through the lace sent shockwaves of sensation through her body. She curled her nails into his shoulder. "It feels so good."

"Hmm." He hummed as he rubbed his cheek against hers, his stubble pleasantly scratchy on her sensitive skin. "You're purring like a kitten, Shepard."

Kaidan backed her towards the bed, his mouth never still as he kissed her lips and nibbled along her jaw. When her knees hit the bed he pushed her backwards onto the mattress and bent to remove her boots, his hands stroking and caressing her legs as he made short work of her pants as well.

"You look so perfect like that, Pandora. So beautiful." His voice was raw, gruff, and the sound of her name on his lips name sent another shiver through her.

He'd never used her first name before, it was usually Shepard or Commander.

She liked it.

Pandora arched her back and stretched out on the bed as she watched Kaidan remove his clothes, enjoying the way he couldn't keep his eyes off her. His body was beautiful despite the tattoos, or maybe because of them, and she watched in fascination as he slid his pants down and kicked them aside. The patterns and shapes of his tattoos were gorgeous, and she swallowed as she saw how aroused he was, his erection jutting forward proudly.

With a small sound that could have been a growl or a chuckle, Kaidan sank onto the bed and moved towards her in a sinuous crawl that was more animal than man. He kissed his way up her body, his mouth leaving a searing trail as he pressed his lips along her thighs, dipped his tongue into her belly button, and nibbled his way up her stomach. His hands found her wrists and he pinned her to the bed with a devilish smile.

She lay beneath him, a willing prisoner as he gazed at her for a long moment with eyes that glowed an eerie blue, and then lowered his mouth to her breasts. He took one sensitive peak in his mouth, suckling on her nipple through the lace of her bra. Pandora moaned and arched beneath him, her body almost jack-knifing as he grazed his teeth against her and then bit down softly, testing how much pressure he could apply before it crossed from pleasure to pain.

"Oh God! Kaidan!" Pandora strained against his hold, but he held her down easily and she felt the rumble of his chest as he laughed.

He moved from one breast to the other, rolling his face up to watch her as he took her nipple in his mouth and repeated the process, his tongue swirling around the tip, tickling her through the lace. She whimpered and threw her head back, closing her eyes and enjoying his ministrations. She'd never felt anything like it; her body felt on fire, as though she were burning up with a fever.

Kaidan released her hands slowly, his grip loosening and then sliding away as he moved back down her body, kissing her belly and groaning as he hooked his fingers in her panties and slowly slid them down. Pandora leaned forward, biting her lip to keep from crying out as he removed her underwear moved between her legs. He hooked her knees over his shoulders, grinning up at her like the cat who'd got the cream when he saw her watching.

"Just relax, Kitten," he told her huskily and lay gentle kisses on her thighs. "Let me taste you."

He moved his mouth to her sex and teased her with his mouth and fingers, exploring her slick folds and swirling his tongue around her nub. Pandora swallowed her cries as she fisted her hands in the bedspread, rolling her hips towards him as he flicked his tongue teasingly and then sucked on her clit. She gasped and panted as he eased two fingers into her opening, working them back and forth while he licked and sucked on her, sending electrical jolts of pleasure through his body.

A warm buzz spread through her body and Pandora let out a low moan as she realised he was using his biotics to pleasure her; the slow throb reaching from her toes all the way to the top of her head. It was impossible to keep still with the tingle of his biotics inside of her, spreading through her veins, and she writhed wildly, her heart hammering as the wonderful tension of release built inside of her.

"Kaidan. Kaidan. Kaidan!" She chanted his name as the wave of pleasure built and let out a disappointed moan as he broke away at the last minute, kissing her thighs and letting her legs slide from his shoulders.

Kaidan crawled back up her body and kissed her, his mouth hungry against Pandora's as his hands slid beneath her hips. She felt the brush of his erection at her entrance and drew back hurriedly from the kiss, urgently catching his gaze as she panted and struggled for coherent thought.

"Do you want me to go down on you too?" she asked in inelegant gasps, blushing as he grinned at her, his eyes gleaming with amusement.

He chuckled and kissed her neck. "Oh kitten, I'd be all over that action normally, but right now I really want to fuck you. I want to feel you around me all warm and tight, and then I want to fuck you until neither one of us can take anymore."

Pandora shivered, his fantasy catching hold of her and sending a burst of lust through her already inflamed senses. "God, yes."

"Yeah," Kaidan kissed her again, his lips warm. "I thought you'd like that."

He pressed kisses to hollow of her throat and quickly dispensed with her bra, sliding the straps down her shoulders and unhooking the catch with practised ease. His hands found her breasts as they spilled free, shaping her flesh in his palms as he took her mouth in another fiery kiss. The force drove Pandora back against the pillows, and she arched against him, hungry to finally take that last step and become one with him.

Kaidan seemed to feel the primal urge just as strongly as she did, and he positioned himself at her entrance, pushing inside her slick warmth with agonising slowness. Pandora groaned and rolled her hips upwards, urging him on with small cries, and with a low growl Kaidan pinned her again and thrust into her hard, sheathing himself fully in her warmth. Both of them cried out, twin sounds of relief and hunger, and Pandora opened her eyes to find him watching her, an oddly haunting look on his face.

He began to move in slow rolling thrusts, the movements deep and controlled as he made love to her with a passion that shattered all of Pandora's expectations. The feel of him inside of her was beyond anything she dreamed of. She'd expected Kaidan to be a rough lover, for him to be forceful and aggressive, but there was something incredibly controlled about the way he made love, as though he were worried he would hurt her if he didn't watch himself.

Pandora caught his lower lip in her teeth and wrapped her legs around his waist, squeezing him with her internal muscles and drawing a low sound of pleasure from Kaidan. He growled and kissed her, his hands framing her face as he leaned above her on his forearms and began to drive himself in harder and faster. A delicious warmth began to build in her body, and she raked her nails down his back and met each of his thrusts with a roll of her hips, desperately chasing the edge of pleasure she could see dancing on the horizon.

The ecstasy built inside of her like a storm, swelling and growing until she felt as though the wonderful warmth would burst through her skin. It tingled along her limbs and stretched tight in her belly until, with a cry that was almost a scream, the pleasure shattered around her and she was dragged over the edge of release. The force of her climax blinded Pandora as stars that were almost as bright as her biotics burst behind her eyes.

Kaidan groaned as her released pushed him over the edge, her body squeezing him rhythmically as he buried himself as deeply as he could, shaking with the force of his climax. They collapsed together afterwards, trembling as wisps of biotic energy danced over their skin, tingling and tickling. Kaidan pulled her into his arms and she lay with her head on his chest, listening to the thundering sound of his heart.

A languid warmth spread through Pandora as she cuddled close to Kaidan, enjoying the pleasant feel of his biotics against hers. He shifted slightly and tucked her body against his, then rested his chin on top of her head with a contented sigh. She grinned and kissed his chest, tracing her favourite tattoos as he chuckled and dropped a reciprocal kiss on her forehead.

"I didn't pick you for a cuddler," she murmured as his arms tightened around her.

Kaidan snorted in amusement. "Well, I'm not done with you yet, Kitten. I thought I'd lull you into a false sense of security until I was ready to have my way with you again."

"Oh really? So you're all worn out, huh?" Pandora slid one leg over the top of his and giggled when he flared slightly.

"Minx!" he growled and rolled over to trap her beneath him. "You're asking for it, you know?" There was a playful edge to his voice and a smile in his eyes which she hadn't seen before.

She liked it.

"Yes," Pandora agreed wholehearted. " _I am_."

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 **A/N - *Blushes* I, uh, hope you liked that! The next chapter will be the morning after.**


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

 **A/N - Thank you so much to everyone reading along, especially if you left me a review. I'm totally blown away! I hope you enjoy this chapter, though it may not be what you were expecting - but he _is_ Subject Zero Alenko.**

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Kaidan was gone when Pandora woke up the next morning, the only sign he had ever been there was the lingering scent of his cologne on her pillow and the pleasant ache in her body. They'd made love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning after she'd finally fallen asleep, Kaidan had woken her with kisses and gentle touches, easing her into wakefulness so they could go another round.

She grinned at the memory and stretched out on the bed until her joints popped, then she forced herself up and began to go through her workout routine. The previous night had been every bit as incredible as she'd imagined it would be, not just because the sex had been so amazing, but because Kaidan had been open and responsive and wonderful. He'd finally let his guard down and she'd seen a glimpse of the man he might have been if BAaT and Cerberus hadn't sunk their claws into him.

She finished her workout and showered, biting her lip and smiling to herself as she saw the love bites that he had left on her skin. Kaidan apparently had some kind of oral fixation. He had kissed, sucked, licked, and bitten almost every square inch of her skin at some point in the night – _tasting her_ as he'd called it. She rinsed herself off, dressed and put on some light makeup; toying with the idea of seeing if Kaidan wanted to spend a little more time together later while they waited for an update from the Illusive man.

Whatever happened, Pandora knew it was going to be a great day.

The first niggle of worry came when she went down to the mess for breakfast. She bumped into Kaidan on his way out of the kitchen and opened her mouth to say hi as he swept past her. Her greeting died on her lips and she closed her mouth, blinking in surprise as she watched him walk away. He had been looking down at his food; maybe he just hadn't seen her?

Pandora watched as he joined Zaeed and Garrus at a table, and almost jumped when he looked up as though sensing her gaze on him. For a moment their eyes locked, then he looked away coldly without so much as a smile - almost as though he _didn't_ want to see her. She swallowed hard and tried to ignore the small voice of doubt that began to whisper deep inside of her.

The worry increased when she walked towards his table with her tray and their eyes clashed again. She smiled at him, hoping to see him flash his usual easy-going grin, but instead his eyes were cool and distant, and he pulled his gaze from hers quickly and clenched his jaw. Pandora felt as though a bucket of icy water had just been dumped on her. Her smile vanished as quickly as it had come and a sickening wave of anxiety washed through her; was he avoiding her?

"Morning," she said, pausing by their table and trying hard not to let her turmoil show on her face. "Kaidan, can I catch up with you after breakfast? There's a few things I need to discuss."

Kaidan looked up at her and _smirked_. "I'm a little busy, Shepard. Maybe later?" he told her casually, then turned his attention back to his food and continued eating.

Pandora's stomach plummeted at his words, but she managed to smile and move away as though everything was just peachy.

"That's fine," she told him. "I'll catch up with Jacob and Miranda first."

 _Bastard_.

She smiled to hide the intense fury searing through her veins. The urge to throw something at Kaidan and tell him exactly what she thought of him was frighteningly strong, but the mess hall was full so she forced herself to push the rage aside, to keep moving towards the second mess table where she slotted herself into a seat with Jacob and Miranda and sat with her back to Kaidan. The furious beating of her heart drowned out their greetings as she joined them, though she smiled and nodded at them both.

 _Bastard._

Pandora glanced down at the reconstituted eggs and bacon on her tray, bile rising in her throat. The thought of food was abhorrent, and her stomach rolled as she pushed her rations around her tray with her fork, cutting them into smaller and smaller bits.

What the hell was he playing at? She hadn't thought they were going to waltz arm in arm into the sunset together to live happily ever after, but she sure as hell hadn't expected Kaidan to slink away in the middle of the night and to refuse to even _look_ at her this morning. There hadn't been any sign of this last night; no hint that he was going to treat her with this level of contempt.

How had she been so wrong about him?

"Bad night, Shepard?" Jacob asked casually, looking meaningfully down at her uneaten breakfast.

Pandora took a deep breath and forced herself to shrug casually. "Not a great night," she said loudly enough that she hoped Kaidan would hear. "Kind of disappointing, really."

Miranda looked over with interest. "Anything I can help you with? Reports?"

She almost laughed with disappointment and bitterness, but managed to hold it in; she _hoped_ he was listening. She hoped he was hearing every word and that it made him feel as bad as she was right now. The thought that she'd been so open with him last night, that she'd allowed him to touch, kiss and make love to her, made her sick. Despite how careful she'd been to try and build something meaningful between herself and Kaidan, she'd still been used as though she were nothing more than a convenient body.

"No, I'm just frustrated. _Really frustrated_." Pandora pushed her tray away and smiled at the two Cerberus operatives, struggling to contain her rage. The skin on the back of her neck crawled as Kaidan's biotics flared ever so slightly behind her. She ignored him. "I guess I'm feeling a little pent up. Too much energy and nothing to release it on."

The flare behind her grew a little more intense and she saw Jacob's gaze flick behind her, looking at the place she knew Kaidan was sitting. She curled her nails into her hands, viciously hoping that his male pride was taking a hit from her words. The hurt and sickness inside of her had blossomed into a white-hot rage that was simmering in her belly, and she clenched her teeth as her face ached with the effort of smiling.

"I could help with that?" Jacob said with a wink, and she almost laughed for real. She enjoyed her chats with Jacob and appreciated his easy going nature. "Go a little one on one with you in the shuttle bay? It's a been a while since I did any sparring. We could use biotics if you like?"

The prickling swell of power from Kaidan was strong enough now that both Miranda and Jacob had to be feeling it, but Pandora ignored it completely, pretending not to notice as the feel of his biotics crawled over her skin like marching ants.

"That'd be good, thanks Jacob. You always seem to know how to cheer a girl up." She forced a grin and stood up. "You want to go now?"

He nodded. "Sure."

Pandora dumped her tray in the kitchen and headed for the lifts. She could feel Kaidan's eyes on her but she refused to look at him as Jacob joined her and they headed down to the shuttle bay together. Her body felt tense, uncomfortable, as though she had a wire inside of her pulled so tight it was about to snap. She gritted her teeth and began to stretch and warm up; she _refused_ to snap.

"Come on, Shepard. Let's see what you've got!" Jacob egged her on, and they settled into an easy sparring match, mostly physical at first and increasing the pace as they added more and more biotics into the mix.

Pandora forgot all of her anger as she concentrated on anticipating and countering Jacob's moves. Her body moved gracefully as they clashed, traded blows, and then sprung apart. Their movements grew faster, their attacks more brazen, until even Pandora's muscles ached with exertion. Her fighting style was light and fast, a mix of martial arts that she'd studied since childhood, while Jacob fought with the inelegant moves of a boxer.

Despite his size, he was incredibly quick and his reach was far greater than hers, so Pandora had to work hard to stay out of his range. But she had the experience of N7 training behind her, and no matter how good Jacob was, she was far better. Slowly but surely she whittled him down until she caught him off guard with a _Throw_. He stumbled and Pandora lunged forward, kicking his legs out from under him and pinning him to the floor.

"Give up?" she asked breathlessly, her muscles trembling from exertion and her vision swimming as sweat dripping into her eyes.

Jacob groaned and nodded. "Hell yeah, you can have this round Shepard. I'll beat you next time."

She chuckled and jumped up, reaching down and helping to pull him to his feet. Despite her innate distrust of Cerberus, she liked Jacob – even if he could be a little too flirty at times.

Her smile melted from her face when she turned and saw Kaidan on the far side of the shuttle bay. He was doing something near one of the workbenches that Jacob had set up for the crew to use, but she had a sneaking suspicion he had followed them down. A feeling which was confirmed when she saw him glance over at them and frown at the sight of her helping Jacob off the ground.

 _He's jealous,_ she realised. _Despite treating me like dirt this morning, he's jealous that I went off with Jacob and he followed me down to watch._

The knowledge filled her with warmth and she smiled to herself as she did a few stretches to cool down.

"What's up with him?" Jacob asked quietly as Kaidan looked over at them again and scowled. "You know he's been watching us the entire time?"

Pandora shrugged and grabbed her towel off the floor, wiping away the sheen of sweat on her skin. "I don't know. Maybe wants to see how real biotics train?"

Jacob laughed and excused himself, skirting around Kaidan as he made his way back to the elevator. She watched him go and finished stretching, ignoring Kaidan as he continued to loiter on the far side of the shuttle bay to watch her. She had no idea what he was up to, why he was behaving like a jealous boyfriend after treating her like scum this morning, and she wasn't sure she wanted to know.

Her experiences with men to date had been disappointing. It probably shouldn't have come as a surprise that Kaidan had joined the list of men who saw her as a good time and nothing more. Pandora sighed; it wasn't fair. All she wanted was to be treated as an equal and not like ... like a piece of meat or a bit of fun. She flung her towel over her shoulder and headed for the elevator, half-hoping Kaidan would let her pass without comment and half-hoping he'd stop her so she could tell him exactly what she thought of him.

Kaidan watched her approach, but waited until she was almost level with him before he spoke up.

"That was pathetic."

Pandora stopped dead in her tracks at his words, her blues eyes flicking to his face. "Excuse me?" she asked.

He pushed away from the bench and turned to look at her, crossing his arms over his chest. "You could have taken that asshole out far sooner than you did."

"Well, then it wouldn't have been much of a sparring match, would it?" She started to step around him but Kaidan blocked her path.

"How about you and I go a few rounds then?" His eyes slid down her body and he flashed her a charming smile. "I've always wondered how you'd stand up against me at full power."

Pandora curled her lip and looked at him in disdain. How dare he talk to her like this, as though _nothing_ had happened? As though he _hadn't_ been a complete bastard to her only half an hour ago? She struggled to hold back her rage as she planted her hands on her hips and shook her head.

"No."

Kaidan blinked and his smile faltered. "What?"

He sounded genuinely surprised.

"I said no. Now get out of my fucking way." She tried to step around him to get to the elevator but he moved again and blocked her path, flaring slightly.

"So you'd rather play with that Cerberus idiot than me, is that it?" Kaidan clenched his jaw so tightly that his cheek twitched and jumped periodically.

Pandora bared her teeth in a smile and drew herself up to her full height. "I'd rather wrestle a varren than spar with you right now, Kaidan. And you know exactly why."

He scowled and looked into her eyes, his amber gaze searching hers and not liking what it found. The muscles in his arms corded as he tensed and leaned towards her, his tattoos gleaming in the light. Everything about his posture screamed aggression, but she held her ground and crossed her arms in response, refusing to be intimidated.

"What do you want?" she snapped, unwilling to play his games today of all days. "If you came down here because you wanted to fuck around some more, then you're shit out of luck. Now get out of my way."

This time it was Kaidan who smiled, though there was nothing pleasant about it at all.

"Are you trying to make me jealous?" He asked quietly as he eased closer. Pandora shivered as his biotics swept against her in a prickling wave. "You _knew_ I was listening when you told Jacob that you were feeling _all pent up_ and needed an outlet for your _frustration_." The powerful biotic moved closer still and his biotics boiled against hers. "And then I come down here to find the two of you wrestling around and sparring-"

"Upset that I didn't ask you?" Pandora interrupted and raised an eyebrow. "Or are you jealous that I asked _Jacob_ instead? I know how much you enjoy his company."

"I'm not upset," he insisted waspishly. "And I'm not jealous of _him."_

She almost smirked as Kaidan growled and flared, his eyes glowing blue. This was the kind of response she'd wanted from him all morning - some sign that he was as affected by her as she was by him. She'd known it when he came into the shuttle bay to watch them spar, in the way he'd tensed up whenever Jacob touched her, and in the way his eyes followed her movements.

He could claim whatever he liked, but she knew jealousy when she saw it.

Pandora stepped around Kaidan and crossed the few metres to the elevators, but before she could reach it, he put a hand on her shoulder and stopped her. Her skin tingled and she shivered, trying desperately to control her body's traitorous response to his touch.

"C'mon Pandora." His voice was soft and she froze as he stepped closer her, the front of his body brushing against her back as he slipped one arm around her waist. "It'll be fun. And to be honest, watching you beating the shit out of Jacob was hot-"

She pulled away from him angrily, breaking free of the spell he seemed to put her under whenever he touched her.

"Where do you get off?" she raged as her temper boiled over. "Huh? What the fuck is this hot and cold bullshit?"

He fell back a step, surprised by her outburst. "I don't know what you're talking ab-"

"Bullshit!" Pandora spat. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You and your ' _I'm a little busy'_." She threw his own words back at him mockingly and was thoroughly pleased to see him pale slightly. "What? You're too good to say goodbye to me last night before you slunk away? You'd fucked me so you were done with me? Was this just some sort of twisted little game?"

Her temper flared high enough that she felt her biotics ignite around her.

Kaidan rallied quickly and glowered at her, though there was something in his eyes that looked unsettled by her outburst. "Look, I'm sorry if you thought you were going to wake up and find me a changed man, but I am who I am. Last night was great and all, but don't expect me to act like all the other men you've been with. I'm not some weak little lovesick puppy."

" _All the other men I've been with_?" Pandora repeated back angrily, the sick feeling spreading through her like poison. "You know what? I thought you _were_ different, but you're _just_ like all the rest of them!" She rounded on him angrily, past the point of caring if she upset Kaidan or if he hurt her. In fact, she almost wanted him to lose control, to give her another reason to be angry at him because it would help turn all that pain to anger. "I don't care if it was just a bit of fun or a way to let off steam; you don't treat people the way you treated me this morning. You don't sneak out without saying goodbye, you don't ignore people or walk away when they try to talk to you. You treat people with respect, Kaidan. Not like I'm some sort of whore who you can't even be bothered to acknowledge the next morning." She felt the prickling of tears and drew in a breath. "Don't you have any respect for me?"

Kaidan fell back a step and something swam through his eyes, something that looked like shame. "Pan-"

"Shut up! Don't you dare interrupt!" She punched the button for the elevator and turned her back on him briefly; as much to hide the prickling in her eyes as because the sight of him was making her even angrier. "I'm sick to death of being treated like this by men. I'm sick of it. I feel dirty and used and humiliated. And I don't understand why! Why couldn't you talk to me? Huh? Were you embarrassed? Too smug and happy that you'd fucked the Commander?" She looked up at him and almost cursed as she felt her lip tremble as she fought off the tears. "Well?"

Silenced stretched and Kaidan stared at her without saying anything. His mouth opened once and then closed again, and she watched as he started to turn away.

"Coward," she said softly.

Pandora stepped into the elevator feeling sick, exhausted, and angrier than she'd been in a long time. As the doors closed, she saw him look back at her as he lashed out and punched the wall beside the elevator, the cracking sound of his fist hitting the bulkhead echoing like a gunshot.

She hoped it hurt.

* * *

 **A/N - Oh dear. Kaidan is being a bastard - though he has his reasons. The next chapter will be a fun one - and a little saucy! ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

 **A/N - Oh my gosh. Thank you so much to everyone who is reading this fic, especially if you left me feedback. I'm really speechless at how much people are enjoying it - thank you! And I really hope you enjoy this chapter. Hopefully it will redeem Kaidan a tiny bit!**

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He'd fucked up.

Kaidan sighed as he rolled over and changed position on his bunk for what felt like the hundredth time that night, trying to ignore the throbbing ache in his hand. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't do anything except replay the events of the day over and over, unable to believe just how badly he'd managed to fuck things up.

The look in Pandora's eyes when she'd snapped at him in the shuttle bay was burned into his skull, and her words played through his mind over and over again. _Used. Dirty. Humiliated_. He hated knowing that he'd done that to her; that _he_ was the one who had made her feel cheap and violated.

 _Fucking moron_ , he cursed himself. Guilt writhed in his belly like a snake and he shifted position again, uncomfortably aware that he deserved everything she'd thrown at him. Hell, he'd deserved worse, especially since he'd known he was being a bastard when he brushed her off over breakfast and tried to pretend he was unaffected by their night together.

But he hadn't been able to help himself; when he'd woken in the early hours of the morning with Pandora in his arms, warm and happy for the first time in as long as he could remember, he'd panicked. She'd looked so angelic snuggled up to him with her head on his chest, her skin beautifully pale against the darkness of his tattoos, and her hair gorgeously soft and vanilla scented. He'd lain there for longer than he should have, running his hands through her hair and wondering how he'd been lucky enough to end up like this with her.

Then the fear had kicked in.

He remembered his childhood at BAaT, how the scientists there had tortured Rahna when they worked out it was a trigger for his biotics. How they'd eventually gone too far and killed her, and how they'd hurt so many of the other people he'd cared about to push him further and further. Even after he'd left the Alliance and had been recruited into Cerberus the torture had continued. He wasn't allowed friends or lovers. When he bonded with someone they were taken away or … worse.

And there was _always_ something worse when Cerberus was involved.

Things hadn't improved after he escaped from Cerberus, and he'd found that most of the people interested in him out in the big wide world only wanted him because he was useful to them. He'd learned the hard way that people turned on you, that people made you weak, and that caring about people made you weaker still. And Pandora was working _with_ Cerberus; if he let her in, if he let himself care about her, he might let his guard down and Cerberus might get their hooks into him again.

He had to be strong and if that meant pushing her away then so be it, because Pandora made him weak. Kaidan had known it as he lay there holding her in the dark; he wanted her _too_ much. It wasn't just the need to be with someone physically like he'd assumed, it was far more. He wanted to please her and, worst of all, he'd realised that he wanted her to like and need him too. The desire to be with her, to stay with her, was dangerous.

So he'd left her there. He'd ignored the screaming need in his body to stay with Pandora for as long as he could, to hold her and love her, to protect her from everything that was coming. Instead he walked away, and when she came down for breakfast he'd desperately avoided her, justifying his behaviour by telling himself that it was necessary _and_ better for both of them if he kept away from her.

Kaidan sighed again and forced himself up, his joints creaking as he pushed to his feet and rubbed his gritty eyes. Following her down to the shuttle bay had been a mistake, but he hadn't been able to stop himself. That was probably the most humiliating part of this morning, that despite what he'd been telling himself a small part of him had possessively latched onto her anyway. And the thought of his Pandora flirting with Jacob hadn't just rankled; it had hurt.

 _You deserve it_ , he told himself furiously. _You got exactly what you deserved by following her down there like a jealous lover_. Kaidan cringed when he thought of how he'd tried to flirt with her afterwards, hopeful that maybe his coldness over breakfast could be overlooked. He'd thought that she might be angry, but she'd torn into him with an honesty that had cut to the quick.

Kaidan clenched his good hand into a fist; he hated the thought that other men had used Pandora and brushed her aside like she'd implied, and he hated that he'd unintentionally done the same thing to her. He hadn't meant to. He hadn't wanted to hurt her. He'd just wanted to clear his head so that she wasn't the only thing on his mind; but no matter what he did she was still all he could think about.

"Well, she fucking hates you now," he told himself as he stared in the mirror he used for shaving. His reflection glowered back and he put the mirror aside and ran his hands down his face. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

But he already knew what the problem was; he wanted Pandora.

Kaidan didn't bother to shower before he went up to breakfast, and he glared at anyone who got in his way as he stalked into the mess and grabbed himself a tray of rations. The kitchen was unusually busy and he slumped into a seat beside Garrus to watch people bustling back and forth. Kasumi came past chewing on a protein bar with Miranda and Jacob in tow, both of the Cerberus toadies talking a mile a minute as they gesticulated wildly.

"What's up with them?" he asked Garrus as he stirred the sloppy mass of bacon and eggs on his tray.

The turian shrugged. "Kasumi needs Shepard's help with a private matter of some kind. Apparently it involves a covert operation with just the two of them, which isn't sitting well with Miranda. She's been trying to talk Kasumi and Shepard out of it all morning." He flicked his talons at the young thief as she laughed loudly. "It's not working."

"Shepard's going on a mission alone with _her_." Kaidan frowned. "But she always takes a team of three!"

Garrus shrugged and nodded as Shepard walked in. "Ask her yourself if you want to know why, but I'm pretty sure it's an infiltration mission if Shepard's clothes are anything to go by."

Kaidan's world tilted on its axis as he caught sight of Pandora, whose usual uniform of fatigues had been exchanged for a sexy black dress. It clung to her body in a way that was classy and alluring, faithfully following the swell of her hips and clinging to her tiny waist. The square neckline framed the tops of creamy breasts which he could remember touching and kissing only two nights ago.

She turned her eyes on their table and the withering look she sent him was enough to encourage Kaidan to stop looking at her, and he managed to drag his eyes away. There was a click of high heels on the floor as she approached and paused by their table.

 _Say something to her_ , a small voice in the back of his head prompted him. _Ask to speak to her in private and say you're sorry for being a fucking asshole! Do not throw this away!_

"Garrus, do you happen to have a scope for a Mantis sniper rifle? Mine is cracked and I need a replacement." Shepard spoke before he had the chance to, her voice clipped and short.

Kaidan kept his head down, focusing on his food and ignoring the rolling of his stomach.

"I do," Garrus told her. "Haven't even installed it on my gun yet. It's in my locker if you want to borrow it."

"Thanks, that would be great." Shepard turned and walked away without even acknowledging Kaidan, and he glanced up after her, loathing the way his chest ached at the sight of her.

He didn't want her to hate him.

"She's been crying," Garrus commented thoughtfully, his sub-vocals dipping with his comment. " _Again_."

Kaidan blinked and tore his eyes off Pandora's retreating form, staring at Garrus in surprise. "How do you know that?"

He tapped his nose. "I can smell it." The turian's eyes narrowed thoughtfully and he glanced down at Kaidan's injured hand and then back up to his eyes again. "Just like I can smell your attraction to her, and … your fear."

"I'm not frightened." The denial tumbled from Kaidan's mouth before he could stop it, and the defensive tone almost made him wince. "I'm frustrated."

Garrus cocked his head slightly and those bird-like eyes pinned him to the spot. "You were scared of her Yesterday morning too. I've never smelled that on you before." He considered Kaidan for a long moment and his mandibles twitched. "How did you hurt you hand?"

Kaidan glowered back and tried to make a fist with his injured hand. His ring and little finger refused to bend and a bolt of pain shot through it – he knew it was broken, and evidently so did Garrus.

"I punched a wall," he admitted.

"Really? You'd better be telling me the truth." The turian leaned closer and his voice dropped even lower. "Because if I find out you're the one who hurt Shepard, I'll make sure you pay for it Alenko. And you won't see me coming."

Kaidan stared into Garrus' eyes for several moments, struggling to control the flickering anger inside of his belly. "Do you think I _hit_ her?"

"Did you?"

"No." He pushed away from his seat, intending to leave, but Garrus curled a taloned hand around his forearm. He froze and glared down, his biotics flaring around him. "Let go of me," Kaidan growled from between clenched teeth.

Garrus climbed to his feet and watched him impassively. The turian was huge and stood a good few inches over him. For a moment he kept his hand on his arm and then, very deliberately, he let him go. "I don't know what is going on between you and Shepard, but the two of you smell like fear and anger. I like you Alenko, but I like her more, so fix whatever you've done."

"Nothing's going on," Kaidan snapped, and before Garrus could say anything else he backed away and headed to the medbay.

The doctor saw to his hand and gave him a terse talking to about punching hard objects before she let him go. He hoped Shepard hadn't seen him in the medbay with a broken hand, though that was pretty unlikely since she was supposed to heading off on a mission with Kasumi. Sure enough when he found Garrus again and asked, the turian told him that she and Kasumi had already left.

Garrus sounded grumpy, and Kaidan wondered whether he was still angry at him, or angry that Shepard had gone off on a mission alone.

He didn't bother to ask.

Shepard didn't return that night, and Kaidan spent far longer than he should have loitering near the airlock and down in the mess in case she returned. When she didn't come back the next night either his anxiety skyrocketed and he spent most of the night pacing in his room, wishing he'd been honest with her and apologised when he had the chance. He wasn't the only one who seemed on edge with her disappearance; Garrus and Joker were both vocal about her absence, and Miranda and Jacob were both visibly stressed.

No one had any idea of where Shepard and Kasumi had gone, other than the rumour that the mission was something of a personal nature and required Shepard going incognito. Kaidan tortured himself with thoughts of what could have happened to her, and cursed Kasumi for not allowing a third person to come along as backup. The feeling of guilt was so persistent and unpleasant that he eventually found a bottle of whiskey which he'd stolen from Zaeed and drank himself into unconsciousness.

It brought him little relief, and his dreams were full of the horrors that had been done to him at BAaT, Cerberus and the prison ship. Throughout his nightmares Kaidan could hear Pandora shouting his name with a terrified scream. He woke, confused and hungover, to a ringing in his head and an impression that someone really _was_ calling his name.

"Alenko?"

"Yeah?" Kaidan sat up and winced as the pounding in his head grew worse. He blinked to clear blurry eyes and saw Garrus looming at the bottom of the stairs. "Vakarian? What do you want?"

"I thought you'd want to know that Kasumi and Shepard radioed in and are on their way back. ETA is about thirty minutes." The turian gave him a look that wasn't impressed and he sniffed the air before fluttering his mandibles in a gesture of disgust. "You should shower."

 _Pandora was okay._

 _She was coming back._

Relief crashed through Kaidan, and he forced himself out of his bunk, determinedly ignoring the thumping in his head and rolling in his stomach. He could actually smell the odour of sweat and alcohol coming off of him as he followed Garrus up the stairs, and he veered into the bathroom to wash. To his surprise Garrus followed him in and loitered near a sink with his eyes averted as Kaidan stripped.

"Feel like telling me what's going on yet?" the turian pried. "Don't think I haven't noticed your midnight vigil near the airlock."

Kaidan rolled his eyes and finished shedding his clothes, then stepped under the hot spray, opening and closing his broken hand to test how stiff it was after Chakwas' treatment. He ignored Garrus for as long as he could, cleaning himself off and washing his hair. Eventually the turian grew sick of his silence with a low grumble he repeated his question.

"Come on, Alenko. Whatever is going on has changed both of your scents. One day both of you were randy as hell and the next you were anxious and angry, so I want to know what happened." He sounded irritated.

"Fuck, Vakarian." Kaidan shut the water off and glared at the turian, unabashed by his nakedness. "It's not your business, is it?"

Garrus crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. "It _is_ my business if it's upsetting Shepard. She's been through enough without you making life hard for her too."

He groaned and dried himself off with one of the towels, then pulled his clothes back on and gave the turian a meaningful look. "Garrus, I fucked up and upset her. But when I say it's not your business I mean it. _It's personal_."

Finally, Garrus seemed to clue into what he _wasn't_ saying, and he straightened with a genuinely surprised look on his alien face. "Oh. You mean you two … ." he trailed off and Kaidan was damned if the turian didn't actually flush with a darkening of his faceplates. " _Oh_."

"I don't want to talk about it." He finished buckling his chest harness back on and couldn't resist a quick glance in the mirror to make sure he looked okay. His eyes were a little bloodshot and he was unshaven, but other than that he looked much as he always did. Hopefully Pandora would think he looked good.

Garrus subsided from his questioning and together they headed up to the airlock. They didn't have to wait long, and for the first time that Kaidan would remember, he felt a nervous fluttering in his stomach. When two shadows appeared in the airlock his heart gave a leap and he angrily tried to crush it down, determined not to act like a fool over a woman who hated him.

The air lock opened and all of Kaidan's plans fell to the side as Pandora and Kasumi stumbled through the door, Pandora leaning heavily on the thief. Her armour was dented and showed signs of having taken heavy fire, and one of her arms was held tightly to her side; sitting in such a way that Kaidan knew it was dislocated. Kasumi staggered under the weight of Pandora and her armour, and Kaidan moved forward before he thought better of it, relieving Kasumi of her burden and picking Pandora up in his arms.

She mumbled something under her breath that sounded like a demand for him to put her down, but her eyes were unfocused and her face pinched with pain, so Kaidan ignored her. She was heavy, and by the time he got her down to the medbay his arms and core were trembling, but he wouldn't have allowed himself to drop her for all the world. She smelled of sweat, blood, and battle, and Kaidan cherished the feel of her in his arms.

He set her down on a bed in medbay while the doctor bustled about them, clicking her tongue at whatever her omni-tool readouts showed her.

"What happened?" she asked, both women ignoring Kaidan as he hovered nearby, unsure if he should leave.

Pandora tried to shrug and yelped as it evidently hurt her. "Kasumi and I took on a gunship. Something smacked me good in the back of the head and I've dislocated my shoulder."

The doctor scoffed. "Well, at least you didn't come off as bad as Garrus when he faced a gunship." Chakwas checked her eyes with a small torch. "Have any headache? Nausea?"

"Both." She swayed slightly on the table. "My arm's hurting like a bitch too."

"I can fix that easily enough, it's this head injury I'm worried about." Chakwas glanced over at Kaidan. "Alenko, help the Commander off with her armour so I can see to the arm. I need to find my neural scanner." The doctor vanished into the AI core where she was evidently storing her scanners, and the two of them were left alone.

Pandora looked over as though seeing him for the first time and a shadow crossed her face. "I can do this myself," she told him, and reached up with one hand to begin trying to undo clasps and buckles on her armour. Her efforts were clumsy and Kaidan crossed the floor and stilled her hand.

"Let me help," he offered.

She froze and her eyes filled with pain and fury. "I don't need your help. I don't need you at all."

"I know," her words hurt but he shrugged them off; she deserved to be angry. "But let me help you."

She swayed slightly and seemed close to passing out as she abruptly gave in. "Fine."

Kaidan's hands moved over her armour easily, unhooking armour plates and loosening straps. He could feel the swelling of her shoulder through her under armour and he was extra careful around her injury. She followed his movements with suspicious eyes and after a moment he sighed.

"I'm sorry," he said gruffly, stumbling over the unfamiliar words. "I was an asshole and you didn't deserve what I did to you."

Pandora nodded. "I know."

He finished pulling off her armour and paused. "I didn't mean to hurt you. It was self-preservation."

She shot him a withering look. "That doesn't make it okay. You can't just say sorry and have things go back the way they were. I thought you and I-" Pandora paused as Chakwas walked back into the room and busied herself at one of the terminals. "It doesn't matter what I thought."

"It does to me," Kaidan spoke in a low voice that he hoped wouldn't carry to the doctor. "I owe you a proper explanation because I know _sorry_ isn't enough. And for what it's worth, I'm going to try to make it up to you. I'm an asshole, but … I care about you." He flushed as he spoke, embarrassed to be _saying_ these words out loud. "You're smart and sexy, and that night blew my mind. It was stupid of me to treat you like I did the next morning; I'm a jerk."

Before Pandora could reply Chakwas bustled back to their side and Kaidan stepped away, giving them room to work.

"You'll need to leave, Kaidan. I need to remove this under armour so I can see what I'm going." The doctor glanced over her shoulder at him with a look that offered no room to argue.

Kaidan nodded and turned to leave, already flushed and embarrassed that he'd said something so stupidly emotional, but Pandora's voice gave him a moments pause.

"Kaidan?" He turned back to glance at her She was still unsmiling and her eyes were hard, but she met his gaze and a little of the hardness on her face softened. "Thank you."

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 **A/N - Happy Easter! I hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is always loved! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

 **A/N - Thank you so much to everyone who left me reviews on the last chapter - apologies if I didn't reply to your review. I've been very sick and have been in and out of hospital getting tests done. I'm on some new medication now to stop my fainting spells, and hopefully this means I can get chapters out soon - and I can catch up on replying to reviews! :) I hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

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The shuttle bay smelled of hot metal and gun oil, and Pandora wrinkled her nose as she stepped off the shuttle. Tali hopped out beside her and Thane followed after, his movements graceful and elegant, as though he had extra muscles where muscles ought not to be. Though, Pandora mused as she watched him walk, she was hardly a xenobiologist; maybe all of Thane's muscles were _exactly_ where they ought to be.

The thought kept her amused as they caught the elevator up to armoury where she handed her weapons to Jacob and moved to the change room to undress. Today's mission had been a favour to Thane; tracking down his son and helping to straighten the young drell out. It seemed as though helping out her crew was getting to be a theme, as the previous mission had been a favour to Jacob and had involved finding his wretched father.

Both missions had left a bad taste in her mouth. For one thing her own family had always been close knit and healthy, and her father would never do what Thane or Jacob's father had done. But the real reason both missions had bugged her was because she'd had to fight off an urge to bring Kaidan along.

It _bothered_ her that she even wanted him along, though it was true that the way he had spoken to her in the medbay when she'd been hurt, the way he'd touched and looked at her, had softened her anger somewhat. Forgiving him wasn't as easy as simply forgetting what he'd done, because she knew she couldn't do that, but she did want to try to understand why Kaidan had been such a jerk. He had told her there was a reason, and whatever else Kaidan Alenko might be, he _was_ blunt to the point of insanity.

Whether or not she found his reason acceptable was another reason entirely.

Pandora finished dressing and headed up to the cockpit, hovering behind Joker as she watched him manoeuvre the Normandy away from the Citadel docking bay and back out into open space.

"What's our ETA to Omega?" she asked, resting her arms on the back of his chair. "Is there much traffic at the relay?"

"Virtually none." He sounded amused and when he glanced at her his eyes were dancing. "Who are you helping out this time, Commander? Zaeed? Garrus? _Kaidan?_ "

Pandora grinned back. "Samara actually. She asked me for help with a sensitive issue on Omega, but I thought it might be a good chance to give the crew a night off for some R&R."

"Now you're talking." Joker sighed happily and stretched until his shoulders cracked. "Some drinking and dancing would go down a treat after those last few missions."

Snorting, she plonked herself down in the empty co-pilots chair. "Yeah, sitting here and occasionally swooping in to pick me up must be tiring."

"More than you'd think actually." He defended himself. "It's not easy listening to people you care about fighting for their lives. Especially when there isn't anything you can do to help them." A silence fell and she watched as Joker's hands flew gracefully over the controls of the Normandy. Finally, he spoke up again. "Did you see your father on the Citadel?"

Pandora swallowed hard and slowly shook her head. "No. The council reinstated me as a Spectre, and I spoke to Anderson who promised he'd get word to my father. But … I still haven't heard from him. I'm sure I will soon."

She sighed and glanced down at her hands, picking at a callus on the pad of her thumb. Her father, Admiral Steven Hackett, scared the pants off of most people, but to her he had always been _dad_. Just dad. He was funny, smart, and he'd been there for her during some of the toughest times of her life. When she'd decided to take her mother's last name and join the Alliance, refusing to ride on his coattails, he'd been oddly proud of her determination to make it on her on.

And he'd supported her.

"Don't worry," Joker said and reached over to pat her hand. "He'll contact you. When you died … ." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well, you know. He was stronger than all of us. Said you wouldn't have wanted him to mourn you dying in the line of duty-"

"I wouldn't have," she agreed.

"-but he missed you," he continued as though she hadn't spoken, and he turned sad brown eyes on her. "Your dad tried to hide it but I think losing you almost killed him."

Pandora bit her lip and let out a shaky breath, something deep inside of her aching for the life she'd lost. For the crewmembers who had died at the hands of the Collectors, and for the people in her life who had mourned her and moved on. And yet, somehow she'd been given a second chance.

She'd been reborn.

"Hopefully I'll see him soon." She forced a smile and pushed herself out of the chair. "I'll leave you to the relay. Keep me updated."

He sighed as she left the room, as though hoping for more from her. "Aye, aye, Commander."

Pandora made her way down to the mess, hesitating as she rounded the corner and saw Kaidan sitting at a table. He was hunched over a bench, reading a data pad and smoking a cigarette, and her nose wrinkled in distaste as she caught a whiff of the smoke. She'd been trying her hardest to avoid Kaidan since his apology in the medbay - an apology which even in her addled state had managed to sink in. She appreciated that he knew he'd been a moron and had treated her badly, and she appreciated the gesture, but she wasn't ready to trust him again.

Though part of her wanted to.

The lure of a fresh pot of coffee called to her and she fixed herself a cup, sipping gently as she turned and found him watching her. Kaidan's eyes burned into hers for a moment before he looked back at his data pad, giving himself a small shake as though to focus. Pandora shifted her weight and, though she knew she shouldn't, she made her way over to him. A cloud of smoke wafted in her direction as he took a drag of his cigarette and she waved it away, pulling a face.

"You shouldn't smoke, you know," she said pointedly as she paused by the table.

Kaidan scowled. "What, am I offending the delicate noses of the Cerberus morons?"

"Maybe," Pandora leaned against the table and sipped her drink. "But I'm not exactly a fan of the smell of cigarettes on my ship. Do you mind?" she nodded at it.

He stared at her for a long moment and she wondered if he was going to argue with her or make a smart remark, but to her surprise he took the cigarette out of his mouth and extinguished it between his fingers. She winced, knowing it would burn, but Kaidan didn't so much as flinch as he held her gaze.

"Happy now?" he asked.

Pandora nodded. "Happ _ier_."

He dropped the cigarette on the table and stretched out his legs as he looked at her. "Tell me, are you planning on keeping me off missions forever? Because I have to tell you, Kitten, I'm feeling pretty pent up right now and taking it out on some mercs or Collectors would be a blessing."

She flushed at his nickname. "I'm not sure."

"Still angry?" He watched her face as he spoke, his amber eyes hawk-like as they read her features.

Pandora shrugged. "I'm ... not sure what I feel," she said honestly.

A silence fell as she sipped her drink and Kaidan tapped a finger on the table, not reading, but not getting up to leave either. Pandora tried to think of something to say, but everything that came into her head was too personal and private to say in the mess. She wanted to ask him _why_ he'd been so horrible to her the morning after their night, but the thought of bringing it up, even after his apology, brought a flush to her face. If Kaidan wanted to explain himself properly, then she'd wait for him to make a move. Until then she'd do what was best for herself and _not_ for him.

It was Garrus who broke the awkward silence, sauntering into the kitchen and throwing a curious look at them both. "Shepard," he drawled, apparently unaware of the tension between them. "Joker mentioned were giving us a night off? Does that mean you're going to hit up Afterlife too? I seem to remember you liked dancing."

"Afterlife?" Kaidan straightened and looked interested. "We're going to Omega?"

"I don't think so," she told Garrus, and then looked back at Kaidan. "And yes, we're going to Omega. Samara has some business to take care of and I need to see Aria."

"And you're giving us the night off to relax, right?" Garrus elbowed her in the ribs gently. "Because it wouldn't be fair if we went all that way and didn't even get a night off. I could go incognito so no one recognises me as Archangel."

He gave her the turian version of puppy dog eyes and Pandora laughed. "Fine, fine. Have your night of debauchery, but if the local merc groups come after you with a gunship I'm not going to rescue you again."

"Excellent!" Garrus looked smug. "And you'll come?"

She grinned. "A night off _does_ sound good. I haven't relaxed in a while."

"Yeah, you might even meet the man of your dreams." Her friend fluttered his mandibles in amusement and looked down at Kaidan. "I can count on your company, right Alenko?" He aimed a suspiciously friendly look at the biotic. "You might meet the woman of your dreams."

Kaidan made an annoyed sound. "Maybe," he grunted, but the look he aimed at Pandora was interested, and she wondered if he would go if she did.

She left them arguing about the club and retreated to the Starboard Observation Lounge, deciding that the best thing she could do was talk to Samara about her business, and then get her information for Aria in order. Getting yet another meeting with Omega's queen bee hadn't been easy, and she needed to ensure she made it worth the asari's while to meet with her. Someone with her thumbs in as many pies as her Aria was a valuable source of information and a good person to have on side.

* * *

Afterlife surged around Pandora in a wave of light, sound and colour as she walked out of Aria's office; the neon pink and azure blue broken up by strobe lights and shadowy corners full of writhing, dancing couples, and the odd loner huddled over a drink. The music pounded and throbbed in a primal beat that she had to admit had a rhythm that encouraged dancing, the kind of beat you could throw yourself into and lose yourself dancing to. She paused at the top of the stairs, aware of the batarian Bray standing uncomfortably close behind her as she scanned the crowd for the rest of her crew.

"Shepard!" Joker's yell was loud enough to reach her over the noise and she smiled as she saw him at a table with other members of her crew.

Garrus and Tali were there, both sipping some kind of vile looking yellow dextro cocktail, as was Mordin, Grunt, Kelly and Jacob. Pandora tried to stop herself looking around for Kaidan, but her eyes wandered the crowds as though they had a mind of their own and her stomach did a nervous flip flop when she saw him at the bar with a beer. Their eyes connected and electricity jumped between them, a physical jolt that raised her heartrate and had her biting her lip.

He smirked and nodded in her direction, and Pandora's lips twitched into a smile despite her best efforts to stop them. She didn't want to make a fool of herself over him, not after the way he'd treated her, but even the sight of him made her pulse race and her stomach flutter. He looked incredibly attractive dressed in his usual outfit with the addition of a black leather jacket which gleamed softly under the lights.

Pandora bypassed her friends and went straight to the bar to get a beer, trying hard not to look at Kaidan as he inched his way closer. The smell of his aftershave, spicy and warm, drifted through Afterlife's stench of alcohol and cigarettes, and something low in her body clenched. He leaned an elbow on the counter top and watched her take a sip, his little smirk widening as he let his eyes drift down her body.

"My eyes are up here," she told him, arching an eyebrow and turning to face him.

"And very pretty eyes they are," he said huskily. "Eyes like a Siamese kitten."

"Kaidan-"

He grinned wider at her exasperated sigh. "Don't _Kaidan_ me; you look hot tonight and I'm sick of keeping my head down and pretending I'm not attracted to you. I know am an asshole and I don't deserve your time of day, but you know I'm fucking crazy about you."

He shifted closer again, not touching her but so close she could feel the hum of his biotics against her skin. Pandora sipped her beer and Kaidan's gaze flicked down to her lips and then back up to her eyes, the warm amber depths sparkling as they reflected the lights of the club. She swallowed and tried to remember the hurt she'd felt when he ignored her the morning after they'd made love ... but instead she thought of how he'd carried her to the medbay after she'd been hurt helping Kasumi, and how he'd apologised for hurting her.

 _Sometimes Pandora_ , she thought to herself, _you're your own worst enemy._

"You still owe me that explanation," she said, so softly that she thought he might not have heard it over the music but Kaidan straightened and nodded.

He tilted his head thoughtfully and glanced at the doors. "Well, if you want to get out of here now and go someplace a little more private, with just the two of us-"

"Maybe later, Romeo." Pandora grinned and patted him on the shoulder, the leather jacket warm as skin under her fingers. "For now I want to enjoy myself."

Kaidan raised his beer. "Fuck yes, and for the record, Kitten, I'm glad you didn't go straight back to the Normandy. Joker thought you might."

She glanced over at the Normandy's pilot who was trying to covertly watch them while he was chatting to Garrus and Tali. Had he noticed what was going on between her and Kaidan? Joker was one of her oldest friends and he was far more perceptive than people gave him credit for, and when he looked up at her and _grinned_ in that knowing way she knew he had noticed their flirting and was enjoying the show.

Pandora gave him the finger and looked back at Kaidan. "I thought about going back to the Normandy, but since I got all dressed up to meet Aria I thought I may as well stay here and let my hair down for a bit."

The biotic glanced up at her long brown tresses which she'd piled up on top of her head and he reached up with a funny little smile to tug on a lock of hair. "Are you going to let your hair down?"

She shrugged and chugged down the rest of her drink. "You'd better believe it."

Kaidan laughed and Pandora winked at him as she ordered another drink, this time ordering something a little stronger before she left him by the bar and joined the rest of the crew. She felt better than she had in a long time, and Kaidan's light flirting had certainly contributed to that. The black dress she was wearing was the same one that Kasumi had bought her, and she'd paired it with black boots.

She felt good in the dress, and as the night went on and several people hit on her and asked her to dance, she guessed she looked as good as she felt. The drinks flowed readily, and Pandora moved from beer to cocktails to shots, eventually letting Grunt talk her into trying Ryncol – which tasted even worse than it smelled. She downed a shot and then, goaded on by his laughter when she swallowed it and almost choked, she downed another and then another.

The room swung around her, the music pulsed, and Pandora moved to the dance floor with Tali and Kelly; swinging her hips and giving herself over to the music. She'd always loved dancing, and everything fell away from her as she sinuously swayed to the beat, throwing her head back and dancing happily by herself. The music changed, the beat throbbed, and when she felt the hum of biotics and sensed someone step close behind her, she didn't even need to turn around to know it was Kaidan.

She opened her eyes, unsure when she'd closed them, but couldn't see Tali or Kelly in the sea of people gyrating around her, and she relaxed again as Kaidan pressed close behind her; his body swaying to the music with hers. His hands slid over her slowly, giving her ample time to pull away or tell him to shove off, but she _didn't_ want to and she wriggled encouragingly as one hand settled on her hip and the other curled around her upper arm. Kaidan pulled her close, the scent of his aftershave and biotics enveloping her in an oddly comforting and familiar way.

 _I'm supposed to angry at him_ , she thought sluggishly, but the thought faded as quickly as it formed as she felt him press his lips against her neck in a gentle kiss. His lips were warm and she sighed and leaned back into his arms, letting him guide her movements as they slowly danced together – her back to his chest. Vaguely she wondered where his leather jacket had gone, but a moment later decided she didn't care; she liked the feeling of his skin against hers.

"You're so sexy," he murmured in her ear, his voice a husky rumble that sent shivers down her spine. "I think I like this side of you."

"With my hair down?" she asked as she turned in his arms, stepping close and letting him link his arms around her waist.

Kaidan smirked and his eyes flicked up to her hair. "It's still up."

Pandora reached up and pulled the clasp from her hair, shaking it free so it tumbled down her shoulders in a chestnut wave. Kaidan swallowed and his hands tightened on her waist as she leaned closer to him, pressing her lips to his ear.

"How about we get out of here?" she suggested.

He nodded wordlessly and Pandora caught his hand and tugged him from the dance floor, linking her fingers with his. She stumbled slightly on the stairs as the room spun around her, but Kaidan put an arm around her waist and held her steady as they made their way out of the club. The journey back to the Normandy seemed to pass in flashes, and Pandora clung to Kaidan heavily as her vision blurred and she stumbled more and more often.

Eventually she felt him lift her into his arms and when she next opened her eyes they were in her cabin and he was laying her down on the bed. He looked worried and she squinted up at him through the dim lighting, trying to work out what was wrong with him. He moved down to her legs and took her boots off, dropping them on the floor and then scooting back up the bed.

"You still with me?" he asked.

"Yesh," she slurred, her body still burning with desire for him. "I'm fine." Pandora tried to catch him with her hands and pull him to her for a kiss. "I want you."

He shook his head and reached down to tuck her hair behind her ear. "You're drunk. Too much ryncol is bad for kittens."

Pandora frowned. "I'm not _that_ drunk."

"You threw up in the airlock," Kaidan told her with a wry twist of his mouth. "And I had to carry you up here because you couldn't walk. So as much as I'd love to stay the night with you, you're _tanked_. And I'm not _that_ much of a bastard."

 _He was leaving her_ , she realised slowly. He had got her all hot and bothered with their dancing and now he was leaving her all alone. _Again_. She stared hatefully at him as he pulled back the covers of her bed and tucked her in, but soon the ryncol had hold of her and she groaned and flopped back as the room started rocking wildly again.

"Pandora?" Kaidan gently touched her forehead and she opened her eyes to find him leaning over her. "I'm going now, but I'll explain everything to you tomorrow - when you're sober." He leaned closer and she felt him press a kiss to her cheek, his breath warm as his lips moved to her ear. "And for the record, even when you're a drunk mess you're still sexy as hell." He hesitated and then pressed his cheek to hers, rubbing his face against her in an oddly affectionate gesture. "Good night, kitten."

"Night Kaidan." She smiled up at him and caught his hand, squeezing it gently before letting it go.

* * *

 **A/N - Poor drunken Pandora. She's going to hate herself in the morning, lol. The next chapter will be Samara's loyalty mission, which Kaidan plays an important role in and which brings he and Pandora even closer. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N – As always a huge thank you to everyone who left me reviews on the last chapter, and to the people who have this on their favourite and follow list. It means a lot. Now, I had some trouble replying to reviews for the last chapter, so apologies if I didn't reply to yours. I'll try again this week!**

 **I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Pandora was pretty sure there was some kind of alien tentacle monster inside of her head trying to claw its way out. It had wrapped itself tightly around her brain and was squeezing mercilessly, and it scratched and clawed angrily at the slightly provocation; including any light and sound. Darkness seemed to sooth it, as did the cold, and with a groan of relief she closed her eyes and slumped in her seat, resting her forehead on the cool metal of the mess table.

 _I'll never drink ryncol again_ , she promised herself silently. _Never_.

A rustle of fabric and the faint metallic vibration of footsteps was the only warning she had that a body was approaching, then someone slid into the empty seat beside hers, she felt the pricking tickle of _his_ biotics, and heard the light scrape of something being placed on the table by her head. She winced and drew back, aiming an accusatory stare at Kaidan as he settled into the seat beside her.

"Well, well, kitten." The bastard was actually smirking. "You're looking a little worse for wear this morning. How's the head?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "It hurts like a son of a bitch."

"Thought as much. Take these," he nodded towards a glass of water and some pills that he'd set down on the table next to her. "I got them from Mordin. He said they'd help."

"You got me headache pills?" Pandora managed a small smile through the pain as she reached for them. "I thought you'd just come up here to make fun of me."

Kaidan's smirk widened. "Well, not _only_ to make fun of you."

"Thanks," she muttered and rolled her eyes as she swallowed the pills, washing them down with a gulp of water. Her head reeled as she tossed them back, and she felt Kaidan's hands on her shoulders, steadying her as she wavered.

"Take it slowly. Ryncol has a bad effect on us poor humans. Even I don't touch the stuff often." Kaidan sounded concerned, and he squeezed her shoulder as he let her go. "If I'd known you were drinking so much of it last night, I'd have warned you."

 _Last night._

The memory of dancing with Kaidan at Afterlife swam to the surface of her blurry memories of the night before, of his body sliding against hers, and his mouth pressing kisses against her neck. She swallowed hard, surprised at the intense emotional that accompanied the memory; of just how much she'd loved feeling his arms around her, and how much she'd enjoyed the possessive way he'd held her.

Pandora shrugged the memories away and cleared her throat. "I'll be fine once these kick in. Thank you." She drank the rest of the glass of water and then turned back to her coffee. "God, what a night. The next time I give the crew some personal time, remind me to keep myself in check."

He quirked an eyebrow. "You were in fine form; I'll give you that."

"I suppose you found it hilarious."

"I'm not sure _hilarious_ is the word I'd use. I enjoyed dancing with you," Kaidan shifted in his seat so that one leg pressed against hers, his biotics were warm, and she barely bit back a sigh of relief at the comforting buzz that slid over her skin. "The rest of the evening was subpar. Not that I don't enjoy spending time with you any way I can, but I had hoped to end the evening a little differently."

Pandora vaguely recalled stumbling back to the Normandy with Kaidan helping her, of throwing up in the airlock, and of Kaidan putting her to bed in her room. She shifted uncomfortably, embarrassed at how legless and idiotic she must have seemed to him, and looked up in surprise when his hand covered hers and his thumb rubbed across her knuckles in small circles.

He was grinning.

"Have I mentioned how adorable you are when you're embarrassed, kitten?"

"Oh, shut up!" She shook his hand off and grabbed her mug of coffee, sipping the hot liquid carefully and using it to shield her burning cheeks as he smirked at her in amusement. "Look, thank you very much for putting me to bed and not taking advantage, is that what you want to hear?"

His smile vanished and he blinked. "A _thank you_? No, you don't need to thank me for not-" he trailed off and sighed, his biotics spiking as he pushed away from the table and stood up, rubbing the back of his neck agitatedly. "Forget it, Shepard. I hope you feel better soon."

Kaidan turned and left before she could say anything, and when Pandora looked after him, his hands were clenched into fists and his body was stiff with tension. She had the strange unshakable feeling that she'd hurt him, hurt him badly with her waspish _thank you_ , though she couldn't for the life of her understand why. There was so much about Kaidan that she didn't understand, and so much of his past was still a mystery to her.

She sighed and sipped her coffee, looking down at the table as her head pulsed and she tried to straighten out her tangled thoughts. She'd deal with Kaidan later and try to work things out, she owed him that much, especially as things had been so much nicer between them lately. He had been making a real effort to make up for his ugly behaviour on _that_ morning, so the least she could do was make sure she helped keep things pleasant.

"Commander?" Pandora glanced up as Samara approached the table, her red armour glinting under the lights. "May I join you to discuss the plan for today? I received a tip off about a suspicious death and thought we could begin by talking to the victim's family."

She nodded and hoped Kaidan's headache pills had an effect soon; she had a feeling it was going to be a long day.

* * *

Kaidan paced, his biotics spiking angrily inside of him as Samara and Shepard continued arguing at the mess table. They'd been gone all day, and when they had reappeared, neither of the women had been in a very good mood, and it hadn't taken Kaidan long to work out why. Despite Samara's wishes that her personal business stay quiet, Shepard had insisted that Kaidan and Thane be brought in as part of this and the asari was putting up a fight.

"It is my personal business," Samara was arguing. "You have no right to involve them."

"And if something goes wrong tonight? What then?" Pandora demanded. "It's my neck on the line."

Kaidan's eyes flicked from one woman to other as they argued, irritably clenching and unclenching one fist until he couldn't take their bickering any longer. As far as he could tell, Samara's main concern was that he or Thane were going to give themselves away and frighten off her psychotic daughter, whereas Shepard desperately wanted backup on this mission.

And he couldn't blame her one little bit.

"So let me get this straight," Kaidan broke in, coming to a stop in front of Samara. "Your _daughter_ is some kind of mass murdering psychic vampire, and your plan to lure her out is to use Shepard as _bait_?" He didn't bother to hide the disdain that dripped from his tone, nor did he disguise the look of disgust that he could feel creeping across his face.

Samara narrowed her eyes. "It is the only way. If she even suspects that I am on the station she will flee. The Commander will be safe."

"Why not use me?" He crossed his arms over his chest. "You said she likes different, that she likes strong? I'm both of those things."

She cast her eyes over him and pursed her lips, evidently not liking what she saw. "Maybe. You would attract her attention for sure, but not as quickly as Shepard would." She looked back over at Pandora. "The commander draws others to her like a beacon. People cannot help but look to her when she enters a room. If she goes to Afterlife, I'm sure she will attract Morinth's attention." The asari let out a sigh. "She will be unable to resist her."

Kaidan grit his teeth but kept quiet. He couldn't argue with her; Pandora _did_ attract attention. Hell, she'd caught his attention from the very first moment he'd laid eyes on her. He'd been hyped up on adrenaline on the prison ship Purgatory, fuelled by rage and fear, determined to get free even if it meant tearing the ship and everybody on it to pieces. And then she'd appeared, brandishing her gun and standing up to him even though he could have thrown her aside at any moment.

And he'd been moments from doing just that when he'd looked at her, really looked at her, and had _stopped_.

It hadn't been that she was a beautiful woman, or that she was in a Cerberus uniform, or even the gun she'd been holding, though he'd noted all of that in an instant. There had been something in her eyes which caught his attention, and something in the way she so willingly _talked_ to him instead of ordering or demanding that had held his attention. He'd hesitated, and those pale blue eyes of hers had pinned him good and proper, had managed to piece some of the armour he had in place and had made it to the softer stuff still inside of him.

"Yeah," he agreed reluctantly. "Morinth won't be able to resist her."

"Hey!" Pandora swung around and glared at him. "You and Thane are supposed to support me in this."

Kaidan shrugged, and shoved his hands in his pockets so he wouldn't be tempted to touch her. "I know bad people, kitten, and I know what people like. They like power and they like strength. She'll go for you. Thane and I can be there as-"

"Safeguards," Thane finished smoothly, straightening and holding his hands behind his back. "We will ensure your safety." He turned to Samara, his face cool and impassive. "I will be invisible. Your daughter will not see me unless I wish to be seen, but I will ensure that I am able to watch the Commander closely."

"And you?" The Justicar looked at Kaidan with doubt. "Thane has great skill as an assassin, but I have yet to see act with more than brute force."

Kaidan chuckled and ignored the implied insult. "Me? Oh, I'm never invisible. I'm so loud that she won't fail to notice me, but that's how I blend in. Let her notice me and then let her attention move on when I don't do anything except drink all night and flirt with the asari dancers." He couldn't help but glance at Pandora, but she didn't so much as bat an eyelid at his teasing remark, and he continued. "I know how people like her think, I'll keep my head down and let her see what she expects to see."

Samara sighed and tapped long fingers on the table, finally she nodded. "I will allow this, but if anything goes wrong-"

"It won't." Pandora stood up, signalling the end of the discussion. "It's my life on the line, and I won't do this without them at my back. I'll see you at the Afterlife VIP entrance like we agreed."

The Justicar nodded stiffly and then stalked away, gracefully angry. Thane watched after her for a moment and then excused himself, promising to be at Afterlife when Pandora attempted to make contact with Morinth. The drell moved from the room in the same direction that Samara had taken, and Kaidan leaned back against the table and watched him go, waiting until his footsteps had faded before he turned to face Pandora.

Finally, it was just the two of them, and he watched her silently, waiting for some sign of what she wanted. It was painfully clear to him after her sarcastic little ' _thank you'_ this morning exactly how poorly she thought of him. And maybe he shouldn't have been shocked; he was a criminal after all, and he hadn't done anything to disguise any of the terrible things he'd done.

"You said you'd explain everything," she said suddenly, looking over at him with those lovely eyes of hers.

His hands itched to reach out and touch her, and he balled them into fists.

"I did," Kaidan agreed and scuffed a boot across the floor. _Shit._ He'd planned on talking to Pandora and telling her why he'd been such a bastard, but now that the time had come to actually say it to her face he felt … _awkward_. He forced the words out anyway, "I told you some of what they did to me at BAaT, but not everything. Not the bad stuff. It's not an excuse for what I did, but … ." Kaidan pulled his hands from his pockets and stared at the tattoos, at anything other than Pandora as he spoke. "Well, it's all I have."

"They tortured all of us, I told you that, but some of us got it worse than others, and when they found out that hurting people I cared about got a biotic reaction from me, well, they hurt them more. They used them. They pushed them. They killed people. The Alliance was bad, Cerberus was worse. After a while it became second nature to push people away so they wouldn't get hurt." He scuffed the floor again, grinding the toe of his boot into the metal. "Sex was usually just sex. It was nice, but it never meant anything. But with you-"

Kaidan made himself look up and swallowed uncomfortably with how tense and serious the air between them was. He shuffled, uncrossing and recrossing his arms, his skin itching as his biotics crackled and crawled beneath the surface. Pandora was watching him intently, her gaze unwavering as it focused on him.

"Fuck this feels stupid." Kaidan ripped his eyes away from hers, angrily kicking at the floor and hating the churning feeling in his stomach. "Look, that night with you, it meant a lot to me. I wanted you, but until I was actually with you I didn't realise how much it meant to me-"

"Kaidan."

He looked up at the sound of his name, and watched spellbound as she moved to his side, leaning against the table so that their hips and shoulders were touching. Her biotics tickled against his, and the small physical touch was comforting. Some of his anxiety drained away and he drew in a deep breath.

"I woke up holding you and I didn't want to let you go," he admitted, "and it scared me. I don't like being scared. So I did what I always do and I took off. I pushed you away, and I'm sorry."

She sighed, a soft slither of sound. "You were a bastard."

"I was."

"You _hurt_ me."

Kaidan nodded. "I know. I kept telling myself that you were a big girl, that it was just some fun, and that it hadn't meant anything to you because I'm just some fucked up criminal who you were slumming it with."

He clenched his teeth as the words were forced out of him, and the thought of how she must see him was laid bare. Everything he'd done, everything he was, he'd always accepted it and been proud of surviving against the odds. But the thought of how Pandora must see him from the outside; as a thief, a criminal, a murderer, and worse, it hurt.

 _A lot._

"That's not what it was." Her hand found his and her little finger hooked around his, a tiny gesture, but one that gave him hope. "I was with you that night because I _wanted_ you. It was mutual."

Kaidan drew a breath and nodded, a tight feeling spreading across his chest; _there was one more thing he had to tell her._ "I know what you must think of me, but I didn't want to hurt you. I'm not … this morning you thanked me for not taking advantage of you. But I'd never do that. I'm not like that. I've done some bad shit, but never … _that_."

"Shit, Kaidan. I didn't mean to imply that. I'm sorry." Pandora's hand closed firmly around his and she pulled him to her, going up on tip toe and wrapping her arms around his neck.

Kaidan froze, surprised at the embrace, but relaxed into her arms a moment later. The material of her uniform was soft and warm against his chest, and she burrowed close; pressing her face into his neck. He drew in the scent of her perfume, of sugar and spice; a familiar and comforting scent.

"I like the man you are." She said softly, and Kaidan drew back so he could look into her eyes again. "Thank you for telling me the truth. But … you need to put some faith in me if you want this to work between us."

"Is there an ' _us'_?" he asked before he could stop himself.

Pandora smiled and went up on tip toes, giving him his answer in the form of a slow teasing kiss. Biotics tingled between them, and Kaidan slid one hand over her waist, splaying his fingers over her taut lower back. When she pulled away her cheeks were slightly flushed, and he grinned before he could stop himself, a curl of excitement streaking through him.

"You're still an asshole," she added, her eyes sparkling despite her words. "And if you ever treat me like that again I'll throw off the ship, but I'm glad you'll have my back tonight." She leaned forward and kissed him once more with another firm press of lips, and Kaidan shivered as her nails scraped over his shoulders, frissons of excitement dancing through his body.

The kiss was relatively chaste, but it was warm and soft, and it reminded him of how much closer they had been once, and how much closer they might be again. When Pandora pulled back he let his hand linger on her hip and stroked his thumb against her slowly, allowing her to step back reluctantly.

"I'm going to get changed. I guess I'll see you tonight at the bar," she said.

Kaidan nodded, slightly dazed. "I'll be there."

Pandora smiled and him and then sauntered away, her swinging walk letting him know that she was well aware of his heated gaze following her. When she vanished from view Kaidan turned and started when he saw Garrus lounging at the top of the stairs that led to the Main Battery, the turian watching him with bright eyes.

"It's about damn time," Garrus said with a small smile.

* * *

 **A/N – Pandora is such a soft touch when it comes to Kaidan, lol. The next chapter has the Samara loyalty mission with Morinth, and some very dark moments for a few characters. Reviews are always welcome! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N – Thank you so much to the amazing people who left reviews on the last chapter! Wow! You guys really made my week with those comments. Thank you also to the people who have added my story to their favourite or follow lists. I really hope everyone enjoys this chapter – Samara's missions is one of my favourites, but I've gone way off canon for it. I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Trigger warning for mention of past sexual assault.**

* * *

The darkness of Afterlife closed in around Kaidan like a velvety cloak, smelling of cigarettes, stale beer, and cheap perfume. The lights of the club broke through the shadows in waves, laser lights and flickering strobes; pretty distractions to entice dancers onto the floor and encourage them to look up and see the dancing girls twirling above them. He tried not to look for Pandora as he moved through the crowds but caught sight of her anyway, smiling and dancing with an asari who she had apparently just rescued from an over eager turian suitor.

He _almost_ rolled his eyes; _always the hero._

Kaidan found a place in the corner of the club, ordered a whiskey and caught the eye of a dancer as she smiled at him. How many nights had he spent like this in other seedy bars across the galaxy? Hiding. Waiting. Killing time. He watched the dancing girl without really seeing her, feigning interest as he sipped his drink and let his gaze sweep over the crowd, searching for something different, for something darker; for a predator.

He found his target easier than he expected, and knew it had to be Morinth. She moved like a serpent, slithering across the room in a black leather cat suit that clung to her curves and glimmered wetly in the pulsing lights; elegant and dangerous as she circled the dance floor. Kaidan felt her eyes on him, and deliberately looked away, keeping his gaze on the dancing girl in front of him. The maiden smiled enticingly and shimmied her hips, encouraging him to transfer more credits, which he did, taking another sip of his drink and waiting for Morinth's heavy gaze to move off him.

He was only too aware of Pandora dancing in the crowd metres away and when the leather clad asari moved towards her a small flicker of alarm went through him.

Pandora _could_ take care of herself, he knew she could, but he'd never felt a presence so malevolent and heavy as Morinth's – and all she'd done was _stare_ at him. He couldn't really explain it, but the force behind her gaze felt overwhelming and powerful, and on top of that he could feel how strong her biotics were. Even from a distance they grated like static in the air, like an un-tuned comm channel that hissed and sparked, and with a shudder, Kaidan took another sip of his drink.

"She's heading Pandora's way," he told Thane through the comm channel they'd set up between themselves. "I'd say she's taking the bait."

The drell hummed a response but made no other sound.

It was a struggle not to watch as Morinth led Pandora to a darkened booth in the corner of the club, but he forced himself to keep his attention on his dancer with just the occasional glance at the dance floor. He was painfully aware of them sitting together and ordering drinks, and from the corner of his eye he watched as the asari's interest sharpened and she leaned forward, invading Pandora's personal space and smiling broadly at something she'd said. He felt like he was watching an incredibly strange game of cat and mouse, with two cats who were each convinced they were hunting the other.

The problem was, he wasn't entire convinced Pandora wasn't the mouse.

There was something sly and slippery about the Ardat Yakshi. Something about the way she looked around the club as though she knew she were being watched and was putting on a show for someone else's benefit. Kaidan absently transferred credits to the dancer as she finished her dance, then gestured for her to refill his glass, she did so with a with a wink and a provocative a shake of her curves that he once would have found irresistible.

Now he barely noticed.

Minute after minute passed in a frustrating haze of trying to _not_ watch as Pandora and Morinth flirted, drank and laughed together. It was hard. As the minutes passed, he noticed the asari moving closer to her prey, sliding across the booth until they were sitting side by side and it was easier for her to whisper in her ear and accidentally brush against her. It made his blood boil, and with a determined effort he focused on the gyrating asari in front of him and tried to remember it was all an act, just like this was for him.

Of course, it didn't mean he had to _like_ it _._

 _"They are on the move,"_ Thane's voice sounded in his ear, firm and in control. _"The asari is whispering in her ear and pointing towards the back entrance."_

"I see them." Kaidan sipped his drink, swallowing down the fiery liquid and casually watching as Pandora grinned flirtatiously and leaned into the arm that Morinth draped about her, apparently at ease with the situation as they stood up together. She wobbled slightly and it struck him as odd. Pandora hadn't had enough to be this inebriated; had Morinth spiked her drink? "Thane, does the Commander seem drunk to you?"

The drell was quiet for a moment. Watching. _"It's hard to tell at this distance, but she seems to off balance. Dazed. Do we move in?"_

 _"No."_ Samara's voice sounded unexpectedly on the comms and Kaidan frowned; he hadn't known she was listening in. _"She will take the commander back to her apartment before she moves in to make the kill. Hang back and do not give yourselves away. That is an order."_

There was a flash of red across the far side of the club, a small glimmer of Samara's uniform that was enough to show him where she was hiding herself amongst the crowds before she vanished again. Morinth hesitated, her head turning in the same direction with a small frown on her face before it cleared and she hurried towards the back exit, her arm twined tightly around Pandora's waist to support her.

They were leaving.

He watched them vanished through the milling crowds, saw Pandora glance back once in his direction, and then Morinth had the back exit open and before Kaidan could blink they'd vanished into the grimy alley outside. His heart pounded. He tried to be sensible. Tried to focus on Samara's final words _'hang back and do not give yourselves away'_ as they echoed in his ears, but he couldn't seem to get Pandora's eyes out of his head. The way she'd turned back to look in his direction. The way she'd looked so confused for a moment. So lost.

"Fuck this," he muttered, and banged his glass down on the bench. "I'm not leaving her alone with that thing."

 _"I concur,"_ Thane agreed. " _Follow them. I am in the catwalks above and will follow you."_

There was a strangled sound that could have been a growl of anger from Samara, but Kaidan ignored it, pulled the comm out of his ear so he wouldn't have to listen, and hurried after Pandora. His gut instinct had never failed him before; he'd killed potential threats, pulled out of bad situations, and had managed to escape from Cerberus based on his instincts. And right now, every fibre in his being was screaming at him to go after Pandora.

Kaidan ran, scattering patrons before him and ignoring the disgruntled yells and shrieks of dancers as he used biotics to shove them out of his way. He crossed the floor in a few seconds flat, but in the back of his mind he was painfully aware that every second counted. His legs pumped hard as he sprinted, his power thrummed through his body, and he hit the back exit hard, shoving it open and stumbling out into the dank alley on a roll of power.

The corridor stretched before him; grimy, grey, and reeking of piss and vomit, and the flickering lights made the shadows twist and writhe as he looked in both directions, desperately trying to see where they'd gone.

 _There_!

Two figures locked together! Morinth's leathery cat suit gleamed like scales as the asari wrapped herself around the human, pressing close, her biotics flaring as she whispered something with eyes that gleamed black, holding Pandora as close as a lover as she bent her face to hers.

 _No!_

Terror and anger tore through Kaidan as Morinth pressed her lips to Pandora's, his rage bursting from his core in a supernova of furious energy that exploded in a biotic flare. The light globes in the alley burst, trash and bottles whipped through the air, shredding and shattering into a million pieces as his power arced out wildly. He launched himself forward and hurled that searing biotic energy at the disgusting creature touching Pandora.

"Get your filthy hands off her!"

He barely recognised his own voice, the lack of control, the fear and hate, and for a moment he was back at back at BAaT. He saw Vyrnnus break Rahna's arm, saw Rahna's body beaten black and blue in the morgue, saw his best friend Anders sagging lifelessly as Corporal Anders beat him and goaded Kaidan into biotic outbursts. Blindly, furiously, he threw everything he had at the creature in front of him and more.

In that moment Morinth was every cruel and selfish scientist at BAaT and Cerberus. She was everything he hated and despised, and everything he'd grown determined to immune himself against so he would never feel this way again. He hated her, loathed her, and wanted to smash her face in for daring to _touch_ his woman.

His attack slammed into her, ripping her and Pandora apart, sending both of them flying in opposite directions. Morinth took the brunt of the attack and flew through the air, her face stunned as she hit the far side of the alley with a bone shattering crunch and slid to the ground. Kaidan kept going. She started to rise, but before she could so much as raise her head he charged at her again, growling between his clenched teeth.

Every muscle in his body was rigid with crackling power fuelled by the fury coursing through him, and he kicked the Ardat Yakshi hard in the ribs, taking no pleasure in the cracking sounds that echoed through the alley. She screamed and tried to protect herself with a barrier, but it was clear that his attack had already weakened her, and her barrier was no match for his anger. Kaidan swooped in and got her in a choke hold, easily ignoring her arms as they flailed uselessly against him.

"You're disgusting," he hissed, and tightened his hold. She wheezed and flailed harder, her body bucking to get him off, her voice pleading in wordless whimpers.

He didn't care. All he could see was the way she'd wrapped herself around Pandora and had _forced_ herself on her like the disgusting creature she was, and with a growl he adjusted his grip and used both his hands snap her neck sideways. It cracked with a loud popping _crunch_ and a shudder passed through her as she slid lifelessly out of his arms. Kaidan let her fall; the sight of her lying there, dead, did little to calm the fury pulsing through him.

 _Too fast,_ he thought furiously, _too clean._

He blinked rapidly and stood up, adrenaline surging as he staggered and turned look for Pandora. She had to be all right. She had to be. She was a survivor. She'd said so herself. His pulse sped up as he saw the dark figure bending over her, but slowed when he saw it was Thane, and he hurried over as the assassin slipped off his leather jacket and slipped it around her shoulders.

Kaidan's heart almost stopped as he saw the way she was slumped against the alley way, clearly having been thrown there by his attack. "Is she ... ?"

"Conscious but not responsive," Thane told him. "She requires medical attention." He scooped Pandora into his arms and carefully passed her to Kaidan. "The Ardat Yakshi?"

"Dead."

"Good." Thane nodded and turned as the club door opened and Samara appeared. "We should return to the ship. Let Samara handle Morinth's death."

Kaidan nodded and settled Pandora in his arms, his heart breaking slightly at the way she stared sightlessly ahead, blinking rapidly and shivering against him. A trickle of blood ran from her nose, and he swallowed hard and followed the drell out of the alley, not sparing a backwards glance at the Justicar who, as far as he was concerned, was partly to blame for this whole mess.

"It's okay, Kitten. I've got you," he told her quietly, and held her as tightly as he dared, pressing a kiss to her forehead, more scared than he could ever remember being in his life.

If anything happened to her, anything at all, he'd never forgive himself.

* * *

At the best of times Kaidan knew he could be impatient when it came to getting what he wanted, but he couldn't ever remember feeling quite as agitated a he did right in this moment. His biotics were crawling beneath his skin, pricking and burning like tiny biting insects, his amp port was aching and thumping in his head, and he couldn't keep still. Miranda and Chakwas had been inside with Pandora for the better part of an hour now while he paced outside, wearing a path in the floor. He clenched and unclenched his fists, periodically flaring as his emotions got the better of him, and did what he could to stop himself from imaging the worst from happening.

Samara had come and gone, offering what assistance she could to the doctors, and thanking Kaidan for saving Shepard and taking care of the Ardat Yakshi that had been _her_ responsibility. He'd been on his guard, expecting her to be angry, but the Justicar had seemed tired and had withdrawn quickly – Thane departing with her and offering her words of support. Kaidan supposed that in some ways Thane understood her best of all; they both lived their lives by a code and took lives for a living.

He didn't care and didn't want to understand; all he wanted was for Pandora to be all right.

The door to the medbay finally opened and Miranda came out, conferring quietly with the doctor. She nodded quickly and left, barely sparing a glance at him as she crossed the room and entered her office, no doubt to make another report to her boss. Kaidan quietly seethed.

Chakwas was not as aloof and she smiled at him tiredly. "She'll be fine, Kaidan. No permanent damage was done, but she needs rest and some quiet time."

"Can I see her?" He shifted his weight, desperately pushing down the urge to shove past Chakwas and see for himself how she was.

To his surprise the doctor nodded. "She wants to go back to her room, and I think the company will do her good. She wouldn't talk about what happened with us, but I think she wants to." She stepped forward and clasped his shoulder gently. "I'm not sure what's between yourself and the Commander, but take care of her tonight."

The unexpected touch on his shoulder surprised him, and he stepped back, frowning.

"I will," he said gruffly.

Kaidan followed Chakwas into the medbay and swallowed hard when he saw Pandora curled up on one of the bed, a blanket pulled tightly up around her. She was staring at the far side of the room and didn't seem to notice them. His eyes roamed over what he could see of her form, and his hands clenched briefly into fists as he saw the way she was curled protectively into herself, the way her hands were knitted together and she was shivering slightly.

She looked small, frightened, and not at all like the Pandora Shepard he adored.

"Pandora?" Kaidan placed a hand on her arm and froze when she coiled away from him with a frightened whimper. "Hey, it's just me. It's Kaidan."

"Kaidan?" she raised large, terrified eyes to his, huddling in on herself as though freezing cold.

He nodded and shifted a little closer, moving slowly in case he startled her. Pandora kept her eyes on his and when she didn't pull away he carefully reached up and traced a hand down her face, tenderly cupping her cheek. She shivered and her eyes, so wide and frightened, filled with tears as she made a low whimpering sound and flung herself into his arms.

She clutched him tightly as she sobbed, her body trembling and shuddering against his as she broke. Kaidan swallowed the lump in his throat and wound his arms tightly around her, pressing her tightly against him and speaking soothingly in her ear. He told her everything was alright, that she was safe, that Morinth was gone and wasn't ever going to hurt her again.

He waited until she was calm, until the crying and shaking had stopped and she was still in his arms, then he wrapped the blanket around her and picked her up. Chakwas said nothing, but gave him a firm reassuring pat on the back as he moved past. Kaidan nodded back at her. He could do this; he would take care of his Pandora and make sure she was safe and calm tonight.

EDI kept the floor clear and elevator waiting for them as he took Pandora to her room, her body seeming to weigh next to nothing curled against his chest. She shivered and clutched him close as he set her in the bed, and just as he had the last time he'd been up here with her, he pulled back the covers and tucked her in. Only this time he kicked off his boots and settled himself beside her, leaning against the headboard and hardly daring to breath as Pandora curled up in his arms.

Kaidan pressed a kiss to her forehead. "How you doing, Kitten?"

"She's still there." Her voice shook and she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "I can still feel her inside me. She's in my head."

He clenched his teeth at the heartbreaking tone in her voice, and swallowed down the instinctual rage that rose at the memory of Morinth forcing herself on Shepard. If he'd been a moment later, if he'd hesitated any longer before following them outside, there was no telling what he would have found. As it was Morinth had been all but wrapped around Pandora like a serpent, her shiny black cat suit glistening like scales in the dimly lit alleyway.

"Morinth is dead. I promise." Kaidan tightened his arms and pressed another kiss to the top of her head. "You're safe now."

Pandora nodded and raised her face so she could look into his eyes. There was something almost frantic and desperate in her gaze, and a hollow kind of need burned in her eyes. Her hands clutched at his shoulders, and her nails bit into his flesh as she leaned forward, closing the distance between them and hesitating with her mouth over his.

"Pandora, don't-" Kaidan started to draw back, to be sensible and not let her do this when she was so disturbed, but she kissed him before he could finish.

Her mouth was soft against his, her lips warm, and though she mostly tasted of her freshly shed tears, Kaidan could taste terror in her kiss too, and he kissed her back with all the passion and feeling he could. With a low groan he gathered her to him and tried to reassure her with this single gesture that everything was going to be okay. He kissed her gently, lovingly, caringly, and when he drew back he saw a measure of calm had returned to her.

For a long moment Kaidan stared into Pandora's pale blue eyes, then he lowered his mouth and kissed her again with a gentle brush of his lips on hers.

"No one is ever going to hurt you again," he told her softly. "I'll rip anyone limb from fucking limb if they try."

A tremor passed through her body and she nodded. "She was evil."

Kaidan nodded. "I know."

"I couldn't stop her. I knew what she was doing, but it was like she got inside of me somehow and no matter what I did I couldn't make myself pull away from her." She shuddered and blinked rapidly. "And then she was in my head. God. She was _in_ me. And I could feel what she wanted. It was sexual and it was horrible and I couldn't get her out of me." Pandora whimpered. "Why couldn't I stop her?"

The thought of that horrid creature forcing herself on Pandora was enough to almost set his biotics off again, and Kaidan had to close his eyes and draw in a deep steadying breath, fighting down the boiling fury seething inside his gut. He wanted to kill her all over again. To make it slow and painful this time around so she'd pay for hurting her.

"I should have been faster-" Kaidan started to lament, but Pandora cut him off.

"You saved me." Her voice was stronger and she sat up, her eyes finding his. "I can't remember much, but I remember you saved me."

Kaidan nodded and bumped his forehead gently against hers. "But if I'd been a little quicker she wouldn't have hurt you." He closed his eyes, hating the thought that he could have saved her this pain and violation if he'd just been a little faster.

"Shhh. No. You saved me." Pandora cupped his face and kissed him, forcing him to look at her. "Thank you."

"I just," he hesitated, his arms tightening around her as he swallowed and forced himself to continued. "I know what it's like to have someone force themselves on you, and I'd have done anything to save you from that."

For a moment Pandora said nothing and Kaidan heart hammered as she went still. He'd never told anyone much of what had happened _to_ him in the past, had barely allowed himself to think of the things done to him over the years, and as always the memories made him feel sick with rage and shame. Then Pandora moved; her lips were against his and her arms were around her neck, and she held him so tightly the air was squeezed out of his lungs.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" she asked quietly after some time.

Kaidan nodded. "Of course."

"Thank you." Pandora dimmed the lights and Kaidan wrapping his arms securely around her as they settled on the pillows. "I really don't want to be alone tonight," she confessed.

He rubbed his cheek on the top of her head and gave her an affectionate squeeze. "I'm not going anywhere, Kitten."

Kaidan felt her lips lift in a smile against his neck, then she let out a soft sigh and her breathing deepened as she slowly drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 **A/N – You know, I get the sneaking suspicion this is the first time Kaidan has ever slept with a woman and just held her, or at least the first time in a very very long time. Hmm. Interesting. ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N – Cheers for the lovely feedback on the previous chapter - I really appreciated it! :) This chapter has lots of flashbacks in it, which I've typed in italics. Hopefully it won't be too confusing for you all as it shows a little of Kaidan and Pandora's past together! :) I hope you enjoy this chapter – I had a lot of fun writing it!**

* * *

 ** _6 months Earlier_**

" _You cannot be serious about keeping him on board, Shepard!" Miranda slammed a hand onto the conference table and all but bared her teeth in frustration. "You saw what he did on Purgatory today! He's dangerous!"_

 _Pandora watched the brunette pace back and forth in the Normandy's briefing room, her brows knitted together in a fierce scowl. Her usually immaculate uniform was covered in burn and scorch marks from their recent fight on the prison ship, and her pale skin was smudged with streaks of soot. She tore her eyes off Miranda and looked back down at the photo of the tattooed man on the datapad in front of her, the scowling mug shot doing little to endear him to her._

" _Not to mention he has a criminal record that's longer than both of our service records put together," Jacob chimed in, crossing his arms as though to drive home his point. "Keeping him on board is a mistake if you ask me."_

 _Pandora looked back up, frowned at both of them, and then continued to flick through the digital pages of the dossier in her hands. "Well, I_ didn't _ask you, and The Illusive Man wouldn't have included his file if he didn't think we'd need him." She sighed and placed the file down. "Besides, he's the strongest biotic I've ever seen. We need him."_

" _Like a hole in the head!" He's clearly unstable!" Miranda argued, ticking off points on her fingers as she ranted. "He's violent, aggressive, and he almost attacked you today!"_

" _But," she reminded her pointedly, "he didn't. He controlled himself and came with us."_

 _Jacob scoffed. "Yeah,_ barely _. Come on Shepard, did you see the way he used his biotics to toss around those heavy mechs? That was nuts. The guy has power sure, but he's a loose cannon." He moved to stand next to the first officer in a show of solidarity. "I have to agree with Miranda on this one, he's too dangerous to keep around."_

 _Pandora shrugged. "I disagree. Until he gives me a reason not to trust him, Kaidan stays." She picked up the datapad and smiled brightly at them both. "Now, unless you two have anything more to add, I need to go and interview him; see if he knows anything that can be helpful to us."_

 _Miranda's eyes widened. "Please tell me you're not planning to speak to him alone?"_

" _Alone?" Pandora laughed and shook her head. "Hell no. I may want him on board, but only because he's useful. Believe me, I have no intention of putting myself in a situation where I'm left alone with Kaidan Alenko."_

* * *

Pandora's eyes snapped open and she sat up with a start, sucking in air as she clutched the bed sheets tightly. Her gaze darted around the cabin, sliding from one dark corner to another before focusing on the fish tank that burbled quietly along the wall, some of the tension leaving her body as she watched the exotic sea creatures gliding around their watery home. There was a soft grunt and the bed shifted as Kaidan rolled over, drowsily rubbing a hand across his face and wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"You 'kay, Kitten?" he asked, his voice rough with sleep.

She nodded slowly and relaxed her hold on the sheets as memories of the night before came flooding back. Of the way Morinth had smelled like her favourite perfume and a hint of biotics, of the way the light had sparkled in the depths of her pale blue eyes, of how she'd found herself laughing at all her jokes even though they weren't funny, and agreeing with her comments even when she didn't. Morinth had seduced with some kind of mind power that Samara either hadn't known about or hadn't thought to warn her of.

And worst of all was that she had been helpless to resist the asari's charms. She had _known_ she was being manipulated, had _known_ the arousal coursing through her body and the attraction she was feeling wasn't natural and wasn't her own, but she had been unable to stop herself from doing and _wanting_ everything the Ardat Yakshi wanted her to. When Morinth kissed her in the alleyway, she'd _wanted_ her to. When she'd started to embrace her, she'd been yearning and aching for the joining of their minds even though she knew it would kill her.

A shiver ran down Pandora's spine as she relieved the horrible moment she'd felt Morinth slip inside of her mind; the moment she'd felt the monsters delight at her strength, and her careless curiosity as she'd flipped through her memories like library reference cards, idly looking for something of interest. She'd only hesitated when she'd seen that flash of scarlet and realised her Samara was in her memories, and then she'd pushed forward intent on mating with and killing her.

Instead, that bitch asari had been ripped screaming from her mind when Kaidan attacked her.

It had hurt to have her torn away so unexpected, and a tiny piece of her had clung on, a tiny shadowed part which Pandora could still hear whispering around the edges of her thoughts – though fainter now, much fainter. At the time it had been like having her brain put through a blender and poured back into her head. Today it felt as though she had a biotic hangover; she felt clearer than last night, but her head was pounding, and she couldn't stop thinking about how easily Morinth had overpowered her.

Something must have shown on her face, and Kaidan sat up and pulled her to him, saying nothing as he simply held onto her tightly. Pandora burrowed against his chest, basking in the warmth of his skin and the ever present hum of his biotics. He nuzzled her neck and flopped backward onto the pillows, pulling her with him and pulling a blanket up over them, his body strong and firm against hers.

"Bad dreams?" he asked, reaching for his pack of cigarettes and pulling one free. To her surprise he didn't immediately light up and instead twirled it between his fingers and then slid it behind his ear.

"Strange dreams," she told him. "I don't remember much."

Kaidan slung an arm around her waist and gave her a squeeze. "You tossed and turned a bit in your sleep." He flashed her a wolfish grin, though she could see lingering concern in his eyes. "It seemed to help if I cuddled you." Pandora rolled her eyes and grinned at the same time, unable to help herself as the tattooed male in her bed looked so incredibly pleased with himself. "I'm glad you're feeling better. I don't want to go all soft on you kitten, but I was worried about you. That creature came damn close to killing you."

"I still feel a bit shaky," Pandora confessed as she rested her head on his chest. "I feel like part of her is still skulking around inside of me, but I feel better after some sleep." She hesitated and then pressed her lips to Kaidan's cheek in a quick kiss. "Thank you for staying with me last night."

He settled his arms around her waist and the teasing look faded from his eyes, something more intense stirring in their depths as he watched her. "You're _my girl_ , and I'm not going to let anything else happen to you." Kaidan reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear, his fingertips rough against her skin.

" _Your girl_ , huh?" Pandora smiled and leaned down to kiss him properly, allowing his warmth to chase away the darkness of the night before, enjoying his rough edges and his firm muscles. "I thought I was your _kitten_?"

He chuckled softly, a deep masculine sound. "You can be both."

* * *

 ** _6 Months Earlier_**

 _Kaidan lounged on the edge of a packing crate, his face half in darkness as he watched her come down the stairs of the dank little hole under engineering that he had appropriated for himself. Miranda's high heels cluttered noisily as she followed her, and Pandora saw Kaidan bare his teeth in a decidedly nasty grin as he caught sight of her second in command's haughty expression of distaste._

" _To what do I owe the pleasure?" he drawled as they reached the bottom of the stairs. "Don't tell me you have my reading material already?"_

 _Pandora nodded. "This is Miranda Lawson, she'll give you access to the Cerberus database so you can read to your hearts content."_

 _Miranda glowered at the biotic. "Reluctantly, might I add." Her Australian accent seemed stronger and her tone dripped with disapproval._

 _Kaidan straightened and smirked, one eyebrow raising slightly as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Oh, the Cerberus cheerleader has an attitude. Nice. Too bad your opinion doesn't seem to count for much."_

" _How dare you-" She started to stride forward, but Pandora put a hand out to stop her._

 _A spark of biotic energy jumped between the two of them, and she saw Kaidan's mouth twitch in amusement as he watched the brief flare, no doubt enjoying the trouble he was causing._

" _He's baiting you," she told her softly. "Cool it."_

 _Miranda glared at Kaidan and then at her. "I'll give him access, but I'm not spending another minute down here with him." She opened her omni-tool and sent the access codes to Kaidan, then she turned and stomped away. "You're on your own with him, Shepard."_

 _Pandora watched her go and sighed. "So much for not leaving me alone with a criminal," she muttered to herself._

" _With me?" Kaidan asked, sounding amused. She turned around to find him watching her, an unreadable expression on his face. "What? Do I scare you, Princess?"_

 _Pandora rolled her eyes and crossed the distance between them, ignoring the shiver that passed through her body as his powerful biotics tingled against her body. "Do not," she said as she shoved a datapad at him to do his reading on. "Call me_ Princess _. Are we clear?"_

 _He grinned, a slow simmering smile that reached his eyes. They were nice eyes too, Pandora noticed; the colour of toffee._

" _Well, well. Looks like the Cerberus cheerleader isn't the only one with claws." For a moment he held her gaze and the datapad hung in the air between them, then he reached out and took hold of it. "And what would you rather I call you?"_

" _How about Commander? Or Shepard?" She let him pull the datapad from her grip and then stepped back, holding his gaze and keeping her chin high, refusing to be intimidated._

 _Sure, he could probably use his biotics to pull her skin from her body if he wanted to, but she'd be damned he she'd let him see that he rattled her._

 _Kaidan's grin grew a little wider. "I don't think so, those are both far too boring." His grin grew a little wider. "Don't worry, I'm sure I'll think of the perfect name for you ... ."_

* * *

"Were you ever scared of me?" Kaidan asked as he poked at her model ships, his voice drifting in through the gap in the half-closed bathroom door. "Back on the prison ship when we first met, or when I first came on board?"

Pandora finished dressing after her shower and tucked in her tank top. "What? Because of your tough guy act? Or because of your appalling manners?" She tied her hair up in a ponytail as she came out of the bathroom and grinned as he looked insulted.

"It was a serious question. I mean look at this place." Kaidan gestured around her cabin. "You had a room like this, but you kept coming down to visit me. I could never work out if you were genuinely interested in talking to me or if you were after something. So I have to know, was there ever a time you were scared of me like the rest of the crew? Or were you into me from the start?"

She shrugged and smiled as Kaidan slid his arms around his waist and pulled her close. "You were a hardened criminal we picked up off a prison ship. When I first saw you, I watched you rip three heavy mechs apart with your biotics and then saw you tear through the prison guards like they were made of tissue paper." Pandora met his gaze steadily and raised her eyebrows. "Of course I was scared of you. But if it's any consolation, I thought you had nice eyes."

He grinned, apparently pleased. "Jesus, kitten. You hid it well. Everyone else seemed at least a little rattled by me. But you-" His arms tightened around her in a subtly sexual way. "You just stared me down and growled at me whenever I pushed too much." Kaidan brushed his lips against hers and his hands slid down to her ass. "It was pretty fucking sexy actually."

"You were attracted to me because I stood up to you?" Pandora asked as his lips moved along her jaw and he nuzzled her neck. "That's weird."

He chuckled and lightly bit her neck. "I liked trying to scare you."

She gasped and shivered, clutching his shoulders to keep her balance. "That's ever weirder."

"Yeah, well, I'm a messed up guy." Kaidan placed a series of kisses across her throat and drew back. He caught her face in his hands and searched her eyes. "I care about you though. I may be weird and messed up guy, but you have to know I'm going to kill anyone who tries to fuck with you."

Pandora caught his hands in hers and leaned forward to kiss him. "I know," she whispered against his lips. "And even if you are a messed up guy, you happen to have several good points."

He chuckled. "I'm just particular about who I show them to?"

"Something like that."

* * *

 ** _3 Months Earlier_**

 _Horizon smelled sour. The air reeked of dead bugs, acrid smoke and the sickly sweet smell of rotting husk. Pandora took shallow breathes through her mouth as she watched Ashley walk away, unable to believe that the woman she'd through was her friend, her_ best friend _, was abandoning her when she needed her most. Ash's spine was stiff and straight, and she radiated anger as she stalked in the opposite direction._

" _Ashley, please!" She took a few steps after her, one hand out stretched, her feet crunching the shells of dead seeker swarm bugs. "Come on, you know me! You know I wouldn't be working for Cerberus without a damned good reason." Her friend slowed and stopped, and Pandora continued. "Come with us. It could be like old times, and we could sure use your help."_

 _Ash swung around angrily and shook her head. "Look around you, Shepard! Look at what's happening! I'm no fan of aliens, but Cerberus has a history of being extremist. I don't know what happened today, who was responsible, but one thing I know is that I'll never work for a group like that." She took one small step towards Pandora and her lip curled. "I don't know who you are or what you, or even if you're the real Shepard, but the woman I knew would never have joined up with people like them." She gave her a long hard stare and then shook her head, judgment clear in her eyes. "So long, Commander. Good luck._ _"_

 _She walked away without looking back, the_ good luck _ringing in Pandora's ears as through she'd been slapped. For a moment she watched after her, and then she turned away herself, biting the inside of her cheek to distract herself from the tears she could feel building. Her entire body felt tense from the unexpected confrontation; as though someone had taken an ice pick to her whole world and had just effectively chipped away another chunk of it._

" _Joker, get a shuttle down here. I want to get off this goddamned planet. I've had enough of it." Pandora snapped into the comms as she stormed towards the pickup point. She viciously kicked a still-twitching limb from the praetorian out of her way and swallowed as bile rose in her throat at the smear of green goo that it left on her boot._

 _Garrus and Kaidan followed behind her. She could feel their eyes boring into the back of her head, and she wasn't surprised when Garrus spoke up, the turian moving to walk beside her._

" _Ash was out of line," he told her quietly. "Don't take it personally."_

 _She looked at him sideways and nodded jerkily. They stood in an awkward silence as the Normandy sent a shuttle down to pick them up, the Cerberus logo making something twist in Pandora's gut. As much as she'd hated the way Ash had spoken and looked at her, there was some truth to her words; Cerberus had never been the kind of organisation to play by the rules or to treat people kindly or fairly._

 _They had done terrible things, and she would do well to keep that in mind. And really, other than Miranda's assurances that she had brought her back, how was she to know who she really was? Maybe she was just a clone or an advanced VI that thought it was Shepard …_

" _Don't think about it," Kaidan said, his voice a rough growl a few inches to her left. "Everything she said was designed to hurt you and make you feel bad. I don't know who she was to you, but that woman's a bitch."_

 _Pandora drew back a step and frowned. "Ash is not a bitch," she defended her automatically. "She's hurt."_

 _Kaidan's eyes narrowed and he cast his eyes out over the smoking ruin of Horizon. "You saved her and you saved as much of this colony as you could, but she still got stuck into you and tried to blame you for what happened? That seems pretty bitchy to me."_

 _He crossed his arms over his chest, the leather straps creaking and pulling tight, and Pandora swallowed hard and tried not to watch the play of muscles under his skin. It was bad enough that the more time she spent with Kaidan down in his little rat hole under engineering the more intrigued she found herself with him. He was an enigma. One moment he could be calm and detached and next he could be so fiery and passionate it took her breath away._

" _She has a point about Cerberus though."_

 _Kaidan nodded. "She has a point," he agreed. "I'm not exactly their biggest fan myself, but sometimes you need to look at all the pieces of a puzzle before you try and guess what's actually going on. She just judged you based on Cerberus and walked away." The biotic shrugged and watched as Garrus opened the shuttle hatch and clambered in. "Like I said, don't dwell on what she said. She wanted to hurt you because she's hurt. So just let it go."_

 _Pandora moved to the hatch and hesitated. "I think you might have a good point there." She glanced over her shoulder at him. "Thanks."_

" _Believe it or not, I do have a few good points." He grinned, and before she knew what he intended he stepped up close behind her so that his mouth was close to her ear. "I'm just very particular about who I show them to."_

 _Then his hands closed about her waist and he lifted her into the shuttle and climbed in smoothly behind her, acting for all the world as though nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. Pandora strapped herself into one of the jump seats with the feel of his hands lingering on her waist, trying to work out exactly what_ had _just happened. It was true that they flirted with each other when they bantered, but this was something different._

 _Until now, Kaidan had never touched her before._

* * *

"I'm surprised you haven't lit up yet." Pandora nodded at the cigarette behind his ear and Kaidan scowled.

He pulled it free and glanced at it and then at her.

"I'm trying to quit," he said after a long moment. "Every time I smoke you give me this look, and you mentioned hating it, so … ." Kaidan trailed off and shrugged. "I dunno, smoking beats the hell out of Red Sand, but it might be nice to have a sense of smell again."

Pandora grinned and linked her hands around his shoulders. "Jesus, Kaidan. You're going all out on this nice guy act."

"Shut up," he growled. "I'm not _nice_ , I'm just trying to be fucking sensitive."

"It's kind of hot actually." She leaned up and kissed him, holding onto his harness and nibbling his lower lip. "I think I like this reformed bad boy thing you've got going on."

He growled and kissed her, his hands snaking around her waist and pulling her snugly against him. Pandora groaned in response and shoved everything on her desk out of the way; datapads, dossiers, bits of tech. All of it swept to the side as Kaidan backed her against the desk and kissed her, his hands sliding down her body to cup her ass and lift her in a smooth motion. He set her on the edge of the desk and knocked her legs apart as he stepped between them, his kisses hard and hot and hungry.

"Pandora," he growled her name and pressed his forehead to hers, his breathing ragged. "If you'd been hurt last night-"

"I wasn't," she told him. "So shut up and kiss me."

Kaidan grinned and claimed her lips again, his tongue sliding against hers as he deepened the kiss. Pandora whimpered and responded eagerly, an intense tingling hunger spreading through her body as he cupped her breasts; shaping and squeezing the mounds through the fabric of her tank top. All of the darkness of the previous night slid away as he touched and kissed her, and instead she was filled with a trembling excitement. Filled with the buzzing hum of his biotics and the delicious warmth pooling in her belly as his tongue swirled around hers.

" _Commander? The Illusive Man wishes to speak to you."_ EDI's voice interrupted them, her usually soothing tone jarring. Pandora groaned unhappily as she pulled her mouth from Kaidan's. _"I am sorry to interrupt,"_ The AI did sound sorry too, _"but It is a matter of some urgency."_

Pandora counted to ten before she replied; arousal making it hard for her to form a coherent thought, let alone a complete sentence.

"I'll be down shortly. Thank you, EDI." She swallowed hard and waited for the comms to click off before she cursed and fell forward against Kaidan. "Of all the times for him to want to talk to me."

Kaidan chuckled, a rough and unsteady sound. "He has piss poor timing; I'll give him that." He stepped back and helped her down from the desk. "But all things considered, it's been a good morning." His gaze raked over her flushed features and messed up hair and he grinned cockily. "It's been a pretty fucking _brilliant_ morning actually."

Pandora rolled her eyes and went up on tip toe to kiss him. "You're incorrigible, but ... it really has been," she agreed. "And after I get back from talking to Timmy, maybe we can pick up where we left off?"

Kaidan's smile widened into a grin that left her weak at the knees. "Definitely."

* * *

 **A/N - *sighs happily* Yeah, I think SZ Kaidan and Pandora are my new OTP! :) I love them! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N - Thank you so much to the amazing people who reviewed my last chapter. You guys made my day! :) This chapter is for all of you as a thank you for your constant support and the amazing feedback you give me - it means so much to me. This is a very very NSFW chapter. There is lots of smut. I hope you like Pandora and SZ Kaidan's reunion! :D**

* * *

Kaidan was gone from the captain's cabin by the time Pandora finished her call with the Illusive Man, and she smiled as she read the note he had left her. She had never seen Kaidan's hand writing before, and it wasn't what she expected; bold strokes and neatly printed. There was something oddly intimate about the gesture of leaving a handwritten note for her as opposed to sending her a message through the omni-tool, and she folded the note and kept it.

 _Come find me. I'll be waiting._

 _K._

The memory of his kiss and of his hands on her body spurred her on as she left the cabin and headed into the mess, taking the time to grab a ration bar and a cup of coffee. For the first time since waking up in the Cerberus labs, she was taking a day off. _Technically_ , she was off duty on Chakwas orders, but the effect was the same, and she'd put Miranda in charge of the Normandy while they travelled to the Thorne System to follow up on the Illusive Man's tipoff about a derelict Reaper.

The journey would take a little over twenty hours, and Pandora doubted much would happen in the space of those hours that the very capable Ms Lawson couldn't handle. In the meantime, she intended to actually take the doctor's advice and take it easy today. Spending some time alone with Kaidan was top of her list, even if they spent that time engaged in activities slightly more rigorous than the doctor had in mind when she told her to rest up.

Pandora grinned to herself as she finished munching on the grape flavoured ration bar and washed it down with a gulp of black coffee.

"Shepard? May I have a word with you in private?" Samara's voice stroked gently along her skin, somehow infused with a quiet hum of biotics and soothing meditative tones.

She froze, her hand gripping the coffee mug so tightly her knuckles turned white. Morinth's ghost slithered through her mind like a pale blue spectre, scaled and terrible, her lingering shadow drawing back fearfully at her mother's presence. It took effort to brush the spectre aside; to focus on the mess around her and on the coffee mug in her hand, but somehow she did, and with a sense of dread she turned and faced the Justicar.

The asari stood tall and proud with her hands clasped behind her back, but her eyes were shadowed, her face was stiff and guarded, and something in the way she held herself seemed fragile, almost frail.

"We can talk," Pandora allowed, though the shadow in her mind shrieked and razor sharp claws raked painfully through her mind.

She shivered and buried the shadow deeper; _what had Morinth done to her?_

"Thank you." Samara inclined her head and led the way back to her room. "I was not sure you would see me after what happened."

 _I wasn't sure I would either_ , Pandora thought; though she kept the thought to herself.

Part of her hated Samara for using her at bait and allowing her daughter to get so close to her, especially when she had promised to keep her safe. But at the same time, _she_ had allowed herself to be put in that position. _She_ had opted to take that risk, and in the end Morinth had been stopped, though only because Thane and Kaidan had come to her rescue.

If she hadn't insisted on having them along, Morinth could have done anything to her.

The thought chilled her.

"I owe you an apology." Samara shifted uncomfortably as she closed the door to her room and glanced at Pandora, her pale eyes sliding away to glance at the stars. "I allowed my pride and my belief that Morinth was my responsibility get in the way of your safety, and for that I must apologise." She sighed and began to pace. "I spent decades hunting her down, decades blaming myself for her victims, and decades telling myself that it is my responsibility to make things right, to end the life of the monstrosity that I brought into the world. And to finally find myself within arms reach of her ... ." Samara looked down at the floor and shook her head. "I forgot myself and allowed her to get far too close to you. I am truly sorry, Shepard. If there is anything I can do to redeem myself, you have only to name it. I am in your debt."

Silence fell as the two women considered each other, Samara waiting with a patient grace that her countless years as a Justicar had taught her, and Pandora with a quiet burning rage that was born of fear. Her natural inclination was to accept Samara's apology, to tell her that what had happened was already forgotten, and that she was fine, but the simple truth was that she wasn't fine; only _better_. Deep down she was still frightened and angry, still upset and violated, still fighting off the feeling that she would never be clean again as long as she could taste Morinth in the back of her head like an absent half-thought.

"You are upset with me," the asari said finally. "I cannot blame you for that."

"I am," Pandora acknowledged, and she crossed her arms over her chest. "I appreciate the apology, and I'll think about what you've said. What you did last night was stupid. Putting me in that position, insisting I go alone, not giving me all the information; it _was_ stupid. I could have been killed, and if it hadn't been for Kaidan I would have been."

"I know." Her pale eyes glimmered intensely. "He cares for you deeply, for more deeply than I thought someone like him capable of caring."

 _Did he? Kaidan had come to her rescue and he'd stayed the night, that much was true, but their relationship was so complicated._

"Maybe your instincts aren't as sharp as you thought they were," she told Samara as she stepped back, uncomfortable with the way her silvery eyes were probing her own, as though searching for something in her gaze. "Sometimes people are more than what they seem."

"Indeed," Samara agreed and she turned back to the stars. "Thank you for allowing me to apologise, Commander."

Pandora barely stopped herself from snorting as she recognised her dismissal. "Thank you _for_ apologising, I don't imagine it's something a Justicar does often."

"They do not."

She left Samara contemplating the stars and caught the elevator down to the engineering level. Somehow she had a feeling that Kaidan that had retreated back to his dark little hovel beneath the drive core rather than wait in her cabin. She couldn't blame him either; her cabin didn't seem to be the right fit for him somehow. All the bright shiny surfaces, clean lines and fluorescent lights didn't suit him. Kaidan suited shadowy corners and dim lighting.

Her boots scuffed across the floor in soft whispers as she descended the stairs to his hideaway, barely swallowing a gasp as a prickling wave of biotic energy swept over her. _He was here_. She could feel his power trickling over her in low pulsing waves, a steady thrumming beat that purred along her spine and teased her nerve endings with exquisite sparks of invisible power. She could feel her own biotics swirling inside of her in response; so much smaller and weaker than his, but enough to make her eyes glow in the darkness with blue fire.

"Hello, Kitten."

Pandora's breath caught in her throat as Kaidan's voice drifted out of the shadows, the rough timbre sending her pulse racing. She could just see him silhouetted against one of the bulkheads, his eyes swirling with flecks of blue. He pushed away from the wall and came towards her, shadows and light rippling across his body; making his tattoos move and dance.

"Kaidan," she whispered his name shakily, holding herself perfectly still as he circled around her, not touching, though his biotics stroked her intimately.

He came to stop behind her and stepped close, his body heat scorching hot as he slid an arm around her waist and pulled her snugly against him. Pandora bit back the gasp that tried to break from her lips, and she trembled as Kaidan brushed his lips against her ear.

"I'm so glad you came," he murmured, his muscles bunching as he tightened the arm around her waist, holding her more firmly against him. "You took so long I was worried you were stubbornly waiting for me up in your ... _penthouse_."

"Penthouse?"

"Mmmm. Your cabin," Kaidan clarified as he nibbled her earlobe. "I know you like your creature comforts, but this place down here is who I am. This is what I'm used to." He ground his hips against her backside, and Pandora groaned as she felt the thickness of his arousal straining against his pants. "This is where I lay awake thinking about you, fantasising about you, touching myself and wondering what it would be like to have you ride me on that fucking uncomfortable cot."

His voice dropped to a low growl and Pandora arched back against him as he continued. "Or I'd imagine bending you over one of those packing crates and fucking you from behind, or doing you up against the wall. Fuck. I think I thought about fucking you every which way there is as I lay down here at night. You drove me mad, woman." Kaidan moved his mouth to her neck, biting and kissing the sensitive skin as his hands roamed her body, rubbing and caressing. "I've never wanted someone the way I wanted you."

Pandora turned in his arms and kissed him, nipping at his lower lip and swirling her tongue around his as she went up on her tiptoes. He growled his approval and his arms snaked around her waist to pull her closer, then he backed her up against a wall and pinned her there; sliding a leg between hers.

"You're so sweet," he murmured against her lips. "It's such a turn on."

"I'm not sweet-" she started to interrupted but he shushed her.

"Yes, you are; you're like fucking sugar and you don't even know it. You're always so nice and polite. Hell, you were even nice to me when I first came on board and I was being a bastard." He laughed harshly and his hands found the front of her shirt, slowly undoing the fastenings. "Oh Kitten, every time you came down here with that sweet little smile and that bounce in your step I wanted to do the filthiest things to you."

Pandora grinned as she remembered her own less than innocent thoughts about Kaidan.

"I thought about you too, you know," she told him, gasping as he got her shirt open and pulled it from her shoulders. He traced the outline of her bra as she spoke, her voice catching at the tickling sensations he aroused. "Every time I spoke to you, I wanted to see if your skin was as hot as it looked, and to feel that biotic tingle of yours against my skin. You made me feel alive again for the first time in months." Pandora gasped as Kaidan took one lace-covered nipple in his mouth and began to suck on the rosy tip through her bra. "I wanted you to make some kind of a move on me. God, I wanted to come down here and have you grab me, push me against the wall, and fuck me senseless."

"Sweet _and_ dirty," Kaidan murmured against her skin as he released her nipple from his mouth and moved to give the other its share of attention. "That's my girl."

His teeth grated over her sensitive flesh and he bit down slightly, enough to make her arch her back and cry out. Then his tongue flicked out soothingly and Pandora whimpered as he began to suck, the sensation flooding her body with heat. She clung to him tightly as his mouth moved across her skin, using his leather harness to keep herself upright as he licked, bit and sucked.

He drew back after a time and cupped her breasts in his hands, massaging gently and dragging his thumbs over the pebbled tips. His eyes danced with flecks of whirling blue and he watched her with a devilish grin on his face. Pandora returned his smirk and reached for him, curling her fingers into the waist band of his pants and pulling him towards her.

She undid the fastenings very slowly; popping buttons one by one and sliding his zipper down in time to his own movements. Kaidan rolled his hips towards her as she dipped a hand into his pants and stroked her fingers along his shaft, laughing softly as he hissed and his hands tightened on her body in response. The roughened pads of his fingers scratched lightly over her skin, tingling as his hands slid from her breasts to her upper arms and his thumbs stroked in slow circles.

He looked hungry, starved, and Pandora knew just how he felt. The flickering flames of desire spreading inside of her own body were heady, demanding things, and they coursed through her veins with a life of their own. She leaned forward and caught Kaidan's lips with hers, sliding her tongue along his lower lip and grinning as she sank to her knees in front of him and tugged his pants down, freeing his erection.

"I've wanted to do this for months now," she confessed as she took him in her hands, stroking his hot velvety length and squeezing him gently.

" _You've_ wanted to do this?" Kaidan let out his breath in a hiss and tangled one hand in her hair as she leaned forward and slowly took him into her mouth. "Fuck, that feels so good."

Pandora swirled her tongue around his tip and sucked gently as she swallowed him down inch by inch, taking as much of him into her mouth as she could before she let him slide back out and repeated the process. She hummed in pleasure as she bobbed her head, taking him deeper into her mouth each time, enjoying the feel of him sliding over her tongue, and the way his hips thrust forward to meet each of her movements; as though he was unable to help himself.

She flicked her tongue over his tip again, teasing him, and he let out a growl; his hand tightening in her hair as he pulled himself from her mouth and all but hauled her to her feet. Kaidan pushed her back against the wall and kissed her with an intensity that would have terrified Pandora if she hadn't felt exactly the same way; as though a fire was burning deep down inside that was slowly devouring her. She felt hot and hungry, desperate to take everything and anything that Kaidan would give her.

The drumbeat of her desire beat in time to her thundering heart, and she clawed at him desperately as he fumbled at her pants, his frustration escaping him in another low growl as he encountered one obstacle after another: her belt, her buttons, her zipper. Finally, he got the fastenings undone and Pandora laughed joyously as Kaidan swept her up in his arms and carried her bodily over to one of the packing crates.

"Living the dream?" she asked as he set her down, somewhat surprised that her voice came out as steady as it did.

Kaidan smirked, his hands cupping her breasts. "You have no idea how many time I lay there picturing this."

"Oh, I have some idea."

Pandora kicked off her boots and wiggled out of her pants, her underwear vanishing along with them as Kaidan helped pull them down her legs. Then he moved between her spread thighs, his erection straining forward as he lowered his face to her neck and began to kiss a slow sensual path along her collar bone. One hand slipped between her legs, fingers finding her honeyed core, and he murmured against her in a pleased sound as he found for himself how wet and eager she already was.

Pandora whimpered, clinging onto him for dear life as he slipped two fingers inside of her and circled her clit with his thumb. Pleasure so intense it cut like a razor sliced through her body, and she twisted in his hold, her hips rising towards him as she cried out. He grinned against her neck, his lips curving into a smile, then he withdrew his hand from between her legs and positioned the head of his hard length at her entrance.

"I thought your fantasy was to take me from behind?" she said breathlessly as endorphins coursed through her, her hands fluttering over Kaidan's chest, following the leather of his harness and tracing her favourite tattoos.

He raised an eyebrow and smirked, a very male kind of darkness in his eyes. "We have all day, kitten. Right now, I want to watch the expression on your face while I do _this_ … ."

Pandora gasped as he slipped inside of her, very slowly pushing forward and driving himself deeper. He moved with delicious slowness, grinning as he tortured her with pleasure and pushed inside of her inch by inch, stretching and filling her slowly. _Oh, so slowly_. She squirmed and tried to roll her hips towards him, to urge him to move faster, but with a delighted chuckle he used his biotics to keep her still as he buried himself in her up to the hilt and gently lay her back on the packing boxes.

"Kaidan," she whispered his name, her body vibrating and tingling as his power flowed over her skin.

He gazed down at her and leaned forward to tug her bra down, spilling her pale breasts from the cups. When he was finished, Kaidan nodded and dragged a hand down her taut stomach, his biotics crackling and curling under his palm, the intensity making her muscles contract.

"Perfect," he purred. "Does that feel good?"

Pandora nodded. "Yes, God, yes. Please keep going. Please fuck me."

Kaidan flashed her a lazy smile. "Oh, I will, baby."

He took hold of her waist then, his fingers strong and firm, and began to move inside of her in long, slow thrusts. Pandora gasped and bit her lower lip, curling her legs around his waist as the sensation of his slick powerful movements sent spasms of ecstasy coursing through her body. She raised her hips to meet his movements, desperate to be closer, to have him deeper, and when she reached for Kaidan his hands met hers and their fingers meshed, locking together.

Kaidan pulled her up into a sitting position and kissed her, hungrily feeding at her mouth as he scooped an arm under her ass and pulled her tightly against him, pounding harder into her at this new angle. Pandora caught his lower lip in her teeth and bit down, linking her arms around his neck as she tightened her legs around his waist and squeezed his length with her pelvic muscles as he thrust deeper and harder.

"Fuck," he growled.

Pandora laughed and let him pull away, staring intently into Kaidan's eyes as he made love to her, enjoying the intensity of the moment as his body pounded into hers. The feel of him sliding in and out of her, of his biotics crackling and purring over and through her body, and of the strength in his arms as he held her was almost overwhelming, and she whimpered as the pleasure pooling in her belly began to build in intensity.

"Harder," she begged him. "I'm almost there. Go hard and fast."

Kaidan nodded and kissed her again as he gave her what she wanted, slamming into her with a force and ferocity that was just this side of pleasurable. It was perfect. Pandora panted and arched her back as the glorious pulsing warmth in her body rose up in a tight full wave, swallowing her whole and bursting around her with the force of a supernova.

Their release hit them both at the same time, and Pandora cried out as her climax overcame her; sobbing Kaidan's name as she clung to him tightly, her body trembling and twisting as he held her close. His muscles tensed and his biotics flared a brilliant bright white as he grunted and thrust into her a final time, his hips rocking gently as he came.

They slumped together onto the crate when they were spent, Pandora's chest heaving as she struggled to draw breath over her racing heart and Kaidan's heavy weight. After a time he nuzzled her neck and pushed himself off, then scooped her up into his arms. Pandora giggled as he carried her over to his ridiculously small one-man cot.

"We're not going to fit!" she laughed, as he dropped down onto it backwards, using his biotics to float down and holding her to his chest.

Kaidan just chuckled. "We're stackable."

Pandora snorted and curled up on his chest, letting Kaidan link his arms around her waist as he held her against him. They were both stick with sweat and other bodily fluids, and though she felt sated and contented, she could already feel the stirrings of desire between her thighs again, and she stretched against Kaidan and nuzzled his neck.

"That was lovely, but if I fall asleep down here I'm not going to wake up and find you gone will I?"

He groaned. "I'm never going to live that down, am I?"

"Well," she ran her foot along his leg suggestively, "You did save my life, so I guess I can cut you a little slack. But that won't happen again, right?" She tilted her face up and met his eyes.

Kaidan pressed his forehead against hers. "No. Never." He kissed her deeply, his arms tightening their hold as she settled back against him. "Now that I've got you, I'm never letting go."

Pandora smiled; she liked the sound of that.

* * *

 **A/N - *fans self* is it hot in here? ;) I hope you liked that! Reviews are most welcome!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N - This took a lot longer to get out than I expected, many apologies for the delay! Hopefully this will be worth the wait! As always a HUGE thank you to the people who reviewed because you guys keep me writing! *hugs* And a big thank you to the people who are reading along as well - I appreciate the support. I hope you all enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

An explosion tore through the air of the derelict Reaper, and Kaidan hit the deck as debris and fleshy chunks of husks rained down through the fetid air. He spared a second to knock what looked like an eyeball and part of a jaw off his arm, then he sprung to his feet powered forward, hurling himself back into the fray.

He'd been in some real shit storms before; the fight against Cerberus and the Blue Suns that had got him captured and sent to Purgatory, and the fight to get off that prison ship when Pandora had set him free both ranked high. _This_ mission, however, was shaping up to be one of the worst, not least because it was starting to look like The Illusive Man had known this was a Collector trap and had deliberately let them walk into it unaware.

 _Sneaky bastard_ , Kaidan thought as he wiped husk blood from his face.

Ahead of him, Pandora, Miranda and Jacob were taking on a giant floating _thing_ which Miranda had named a Praetorian. They darted about it, harrying it with their weapons and biotics; Jacob and Miranda working as a team to set off powerful biotic explosion, while Pandora shimmered in and out of view from beneath her tactical cloak and distracted it with gun fire and grenades.

The gibbering shrieks of husks started up again, and Kaidan bared his teeth as another wave of the creatures appeared near the edge of the gangway they were fighting on. _What kind of fucked up idiot sends his people into a deliberate trap?_ He thought angrily as he flung a Shockwave at a group of husks and sent them tumbling back over the edge and howling into the space below.

He hated this ship. He hated the heavy stinking air and the wretched way the humidity clung to his skin. He hated the way it stank with the sweet sour stench of bile and rot. He hated the way the ship seemed to heave and move ever so slightly under their feet as though it were alive and breathing. He hated the acres of cables and the honeycomb like maze of gangways they had tramped along, the corpses of scientists they'd found, and the evidence that this was all some kind of trap. He hated it all.

Everything about this place made his skin crawl.

He flung another Shockwave at the husks as they attempted to swarm over the edge, their shrieks echoing through the cavernous space as they vanished into the darkness; flailing over the platform like the other hundred or so he'd sent to their death. How many more were coming?

Pandora shimmered into view, leaping fantastically through the air as she sprung off a bundle of cables and landed on the creature's back. She drew the blade she kept sheathed down her spine and rammed it into the base of the praetorian's skull, a brief blue flare and tingling discharge in the air letting Kaidan know that she'd sent a biotic charge through the blade and into the creature's brain. It let out a sound that seemed to pierce the air, and shuddered; wavering and crashing to the ground as Pandora leapt free and gracefully landed in a crouch that Kasumi would be proud of.

Silence descended and Pandora stretched back to her full height, her tall willowy frame quite at home in the N7 Shadow armour the Illusive Man had procured for her. It clung to her curves in a way that was so distracting that Kaidan wondered if it was deliberate; distract the enemy so it was easier to kill them. She turned and retrieved her blade from the corpse of the praetorian, wiping it free of gore and then returning it to the sheath along her back.

She ejected a spent thermal clip, a thin frown creeping across her brow as she took note of how few she had left. "How is everyone going for clips? I'm low."

"Me too," Jacob confirmed, holstering his assault rifle and drawing his sidearm.

Miranda checked hers. "That makes three of us. We should keep our eyes peeled for more clips as we push forward."

"Good idea." Pandora turned and caught his attention. "Kaidan? What about you?"

He shrugged and barely bit back a smile as Miranda rolled her eyes at his flippancy. "I'm doing fine."

Kaidan jogged towards them, staying alert for more husks as his gaze slowly crept back over Pandora's body, his fingers tingling and itching as he remembered the feel of her skin under his hands. They'd spent the previous day together his room; making love, swapping war stories, and telling each other tales from their childhood. He couldn't remember ever having spent a day like it before, but then he'd never been with someone quite like Pandora before either.

He couldn't deny that part of his initial attraction to her had been a desire to be with the good girl; to have someone who was wholesome and sweet and make her wild with desire for him. It had been physical desire. Lust. Or at least it had started out that way. The way he felt for her now made him feel uncomfortably vulnerable, as though he were exposing some vital part of himself.

And yet … he wasn't worried.

Somehow, he had managed to forget who and what she was. Between bedding Pandora and saving her from Morinth, he'd forgotten how fierce she could be in battle. It was true that there was something soft and vulnerable about her that that made him want to wrap himself around her when they were in bed, but watching her cut down husks with her sword and take out bad guys with her biotics reminded him that that at her very core Pandora was made of fire and steel.

She was a _warrior_.

She may have been a good girl, but she was also fearsome, brave and strong, and maybe it was _that_ strength that had attracted him all along.

Pandora glanced up as he drew close, a small smile crossing her lips as her pale eyes met his. That small glance said a million things, more than words ever could, and Kaidan smirked and handed over his spare thermal clips; he kept only the bare minimum for himself. After all, he had his biotics and they were easier and more dependable than guns or grenades as far as he was concerned.

Besides, he wanted to make sure they both made it through this mission so they could start the day the way they had this morning. It hadn't been like the first morning they'd slept together, when he'd woken up firing on autopilot and had fled before he could let himself feel anything. This time Pandora had been up before him, and he had woken to find her gently exploring his body; nimble fingers and soft lips touching his tattoos and scars.

This morning, for the first time in his life, he'd woken up _happy_. Kaidan grinned to himself as he remembered the way Pandora had kissed him when she'd realised he was awake, pushing her hair out of her face and the tracing his jaw.

"Morning," she murmured, one long leg sliding between his. "Sleep well?"

Kaidan grinned. "Not really, I had some heavy wench lying on me all night."

"Rude!" Pandora jabbed him in the ribs, attempting to tickle him, but Kaidan pinned her hands to her side and deftly flipped her onto her back.

He kept her pinned and kissed her, plundering her mouth and kissing a trail down her neck while she wiggled and gasped beneath him. She arched her back, breasts pushing upwards and presenting a temptation which Kaidan couldn't refuse. He caught one of her nipples in his mouth, circling it with his tongue and teasing it with his teeth it until it tightened into a taut bud.

They made love again slowly, sleepily; rocking together and holding each other close until they came with shuddering cries and hungry kisses. The little voice inside his mind that normally screamed when he let his guard down had been strangely silent, and Kaidan had been content to be in the moment, not worrying about dodging the next bullet or wondering who would try to knife him in the back next. He'd enjoyed the bliss and oblivion that he found wrapped in Pandora's arms.

Afterwards they managed to sneak up to the captain's cabin to shower in private, a luxury that Kaidan enjoyed for more than one reason; and he took advantage of the privacy to seduce her again. Though _seduce_ was a slight exaggeration given the enthusiastic way in which she received his advances under the warm spray of water, and he had taken her hard and fast against the shower wall.

Something about Pandora had managed to get under his skin in a way that no one else ever had before. She offered him a peacefulness and a serenity that he'd never experienced, and though he wasn't stupid enough to think being with her would fix all the problems in his life, she certainly made him feel good in a way he never had.

When he was with her he didn't hate himself, because Pandora _liked_ him. She didn't want him because he was useful, strong or good in bed, she just _liked_ him, and it felt good to have someone care about him that way.

"Hey? Are you listening?" The woman in question elbowed him, and Kaidan snapped back to the present; to the dank cavernous Reaper ship and the smell of damp and rot.

"Yep." He rolled his shoulders and tried to shake off the memory of her naked body wrapped around his. "Totally focused."

She gave him a look that said she didn't believe him for a second, and Kaidan winked as she turned away and consulted her omni-tool and HUD.

"The Reaper's Mass Effect Core is directly ahead of us, and we have husks incoming. Miranda," Pandora pointed at the brunette, "you and I will take out the core so EDI can get the Reaper IFF. Jacob and Kaidan will hold off the husks and any other surprises this place throws at us. I don't want anything getting through those doors and into that chamber. Am I clear?"

"Crystal," Jacob nodded and readied his gun.

"We'll keep 'em off your back," Kaidan flared for effect, his lips twitching as he saw Jacob shake his head. "We don't all need big guns to over-compensate for our inadequacies, soldier boy," he murmured to him as Miranda and Pandora set off, the two women jogging away at a smart pace.

Jacob scoffed. "And some of us don't need to strut around shirtless all of the time to get attention."

The howls of distant husks started up, and Kaidan readied his biotics; the familiar prickling hum gathering under his skin as they waited for the horrible creatures to show themselves. Beside him, Jacob's biotics were a faint tingle as he reacted to both the screeches and Kaidan's power, flaring slightly even as he raised his weapon.

"Oh please, like you need any encouragement to get your shirt off. I've seen you training in the cargo bay; just a hint of an audience and the shirt comes off." Kaidan glanced sideways and grinned as Jacob chuckled at his comment.

"Well, it would be a shame to hide these guns all the time."

 _Cocky bastard._

The first of the husks appeared, their glowing blue eyes appearing through the darkness like ghostly floating skulls. The outlines of their bodies were visible soon after, and then their clawed outstretched hands and blackened mottled bodies. Kaidan hurled a Shockwave at them and used smaller biotics attacks to Throw individual husks over the edge of the gangway. Jacob aimed carefully, shooting husks dead in the centre of the heads and putting them down with single shots.

"She trusts you, you know," Jacob yelled over the screeching husks. "Pandora, I mean. I don't know why she's giving you a second chance or why she likes you, but you'd better not hurt her again."

"Fucking hell, does everyone one on this ship know our business?" Kaidan flung an attack at a husk that was glowing red, and watched with satisfaction as it smashed into a wall and split open, it's innards splashing down the wall in a wave of black gore and glistening fluids.

The Cerberus agent primed a hand grenade and they took cover as he tossed it into a group of husks advancing fast.

"I see the way she looks at you; she's crazy about you." Jacob ejected a glowing thermal clip and readied another. "But I've read your file and I know what kind of man you are, so I'm saying this now; if this is a game, if you're playing with her, you're going to have to answer to more than just me if you hurt her. We need Shepard at her best. We need her to stop the Collectors and she can't do that if she'd distracted because you're jerking her around."

Kaidan grit his teeth, his biotics crawling angrily under his skin at the insinuation that he could _only_ be bad for someone, and with effort he controlled himself. Later, when they didn't have a hundred husks breathing down their necks, he'd find Jacob and knock his teeth down his throat for implying that he was using Pandora.

For now, he had to follow her orders.

The grenade went off and they heard husks shriek, their shrill cries echoing around the chamber. Instantly they were both on their feet again, biotic attacks and bullets flying as they kept the husks away from the Mass Effect Core.

Jacob glanced at him, mistaking his silence for compliance. "You're here because you're good at killing people. You're a weapon and Cerberus needs you here to stop the Collectors. Don't become a liability."

"How about you keep your nose out of my business?" Kaidan snarled, turning on him with a crackle of biotics. Husks were bearing down on them again, but he ignored them to glare at Jacob, enjoying the flicker of fear he saw in the man's eyes. "And you can tell that to your boss as well. Who I'm fucking or what I do in my own time is none of his goddamned business."

"If it compromises the mission-"

"Fuck off." He cut him off with a sneer, the howl of husks getting louder. "My deal is with _Shepard_ and not with your damned Illusive Man. If _you_ want to tell me to treat her right as her friend, feel free, but don't tell me to stay away from her because it's in _Cerberus' best interests_ , because I don't give a fuck." He spat on the ground to emphasize his point.

Kaidan turned back to the husks as they shambled so close he could see tiny filaments in their eyes, and hurled a thunderous wave of biotic energy that sent them flying backwards in a tangle of shrieking limbs. The surge of biotic energy, fuelled by rage and anger, seared along his nerve endings and he gritted his teeth as his head throbbed and his vision swam. He kept his feet, pride and fury holding him upright as the door to the chamber opened and Pandora and Miranda emerged dragging something between them which instantly ended their argument.

It was a _geth_.

* * *

"What would a geth be doing on a derelict Reaper?" Miranda asked yet again as she paced the meeting room. "It doesn't make any sense."

Pandora shrugged. "I don't know, but it saved us."

Kaidan watched the women circle each other like sharks. After taking the Mass Effect Core offline, they'd dragged an unconscious geth out to the men, and the entire party had made a hasty back to the Normandy. Jacob had wisely kept his mouth shut about Pandora, and Kaidan had kept his distance from the Cerberus operative, not entirely trusting himself not to punch the moron's lights out if he pushed the topic of their relationship again.

He didn't need some idiot telling him why he'd been drafted onto the Normandy team; he was well aware that he wasn't here because he was clever like Miranda or Mordin. He was here because he was good at blowing shit up and taking people out, much like Garrus and Zaeed. Their entire team was split into the brawns and the brains, and no one needed to be told who was on which side.

"We should space it," Jacob interjected, his brows knitting together. "It's a geth and it's dangerous. I say we kill it now before it wakes up."

"Or," Miranda gave him a hard look, "we could send it to Cerberus. It's a geth and the chance to take it apart and study it is invaluable."

Pandora shook her head. "No, I'm not giving it to Cerberus. You saw what it did in that Reaper; it _saved_ us. It had every chance to take us out, and instead it saved us. No, I'm not spacing it or giving it to Cerberus. At least not until I've had a chance to talk to it."

Kaidan grinned as Miranda's lips flattened into a line of disapproval and Jacob crossed his arms unhappily, the two of them joining forces as they turned on her as one.

"Shepard-"

"Commander-"

Kaidan cleared his throat, interrupting them. "Aren't either of you curious about the piece of N7 armour it was wearing?" They went quiet, their expressions stunned, and Kaidan fought to keep the smirk off his face. "You didn't notice?"

"I did," Pandora nodded slowly, her eyes thoughtful. "EDI, where is the geth now?"

" _The geth is located in my AI Core."_

Her eyebrows shot up. " _What?_ The AI Core? Isn't that a security risk?"

Miranda flushed. "It was my idea. It's the most secure location on the ship, and it's highly unlikely that the geth would be able to wake itself, let alone hack into EDI's systems."

"If you say so." The look Pandora gave her friend said she didn't believe her, and Kaidan fought to stop himself from chuckling. Obviously genetic perfection didn't include common sense or street smarts. "EDI, can you analyse the N7 armour it's wearing and tell me anything about it?"

" _I already anticipated your request. The armour is an exact match for the N7 armour you were wearing when the SSV Normandy was destroyed over Alchera. Logic dictates it is a piece of your armour, Commander."_

Kaidan watched Pandora freeze up, her saw the colour drain from her face and found himself reaching for her before he knew what he was doing, some foreign instinct in him wanting to comfort her. He froze, his hand inches from her arm, that old familiar voice shrieking in the back of his mind that he was being weak and stupid, and he balled his hands into a fist and lowered it back to his side. She looked so lost and frightened; like the woman he'd saved from Morinth and not the warrior from today.

"I want it woken up." The words escaped her on a whisper, but there was a thread of steel in her voice that Kaidan knew no one would argue with.

… Or so he thought.

Miranda cleared her throat. "Do you think it's wise to-"

"I don't think the woman who put a geth in the AI Core should ask me if I think something is wise," Pandora snapped, her eyes crackling with blue fire. "Now wake up the damned geth. I want to know why it's wearing a piece of the armour I died in."

"Yes, Commander." The first officer nodded and walked out of the room with her back ramrod straight, Jacob hot on her heels.

Pandora stared after them, her jaw tight, and Kaidan moved to stand beside her. She leaned against him without saying anything, only the faint tremble of biotics along her skin letting him know how much this was unnerving her. He couldn't blame her; her death and the fallout from it – the separation from her family and friends – was a touchy subject, and he knew she hated thinking about what had happened.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

She nodded. "I'll be fine. I just want to know what's going on. First the Illusive Man sends us into a Reaper that turns out to be a trap, and now a geth shows up wearing my armour. I want some answers."

"Well, one thing at a time. Quiz the geth and then you can tackle Timmy and find out why he sent you into a trap." Kaidan smirked stepped away, catching her hand and giving her a tug towards the door. "Whatever happens, I'm with you."

Pandora laughed. "Ah, what a lucky girl I am; having the Psychotic Biotic watch my back. Now I feel safe."

"That's my girl," Kaidan winked at her and ignored the voice as it started to scream again. He didn't want to listen to it anymore, especially not when it felt so good to see her smile.

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 **A/N - I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are most welcome.**

 **I'll have a few one shots I'll be posting in the coming weeks - Shenko, Shega and Shenga mostly. And, in case anyone is wondering, I have started posting some one shots and drabbles only over at AO3. So if you wanted to read them you can check me out over there under the username Vorcha_Girl :)**


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N – Apologies for the delay, but after weeks of crippling pain in my back, chest and shoulder, and countless scans, ultrasounds and MRIs, my doctor finally worked out I have bursitis in my shoulder. It made writing near impossible for about a while there. It's still very painful, but I'm getting better! Thank you for the people who sent me words of support and who reviewed the last chapter. This chapter goes even more Mirror-Verse and we get to learn a bit more about how Kaidan's world diverged from our own at BAaT. I hope you enjoy it!**_

 _ **Trigger warning for rape mentions.**_

* * *

 _Embrace Eternity ..._

The words echoed, a deafening whisper, and Pandora froze as a familiar shadow rose in front of her, shattering the peace of what she knew was a dream; blocking her path no matter where she turned.

The shadow came from a dead woman; a ghost with flickering azure flames dancing over her bloodied blue skin. Her eyes were an endless void filled with stars, and Pandora felt herself being pulled forward into the blackness as the ghost folded long serpentine limbs around her; shimmering iridescent coils tightening and holding her close. For a moment, they held her fast, then the ghost dissolved into a thick, billowing smoke that glowed with biotics and hummed with power, and it was only her terror that kept her frozen in place.

 _Pandora!_

The shadow laughed as it poured over her in a wave of smoky black oil, forcing its way down her nose and mouth, choking off her scream as it invaded her body and filled her with a darkness as thick and deep as the night itself. Pandora had a moment of horror, of fear so intense she prayed for oblivion as she felt another being inside her body and inside her mind, touching places no person should be. Then the darkness welled up thicker than before, choking and cloying, and it was like being back in space above Alchera again, suffocating and cold, struggling to breath as the night itself closed in around her with a mocking laugh.

 _Pandora!_

Hands grabbed her, shook her. Warm hands. Hands that buzzed with biotics and so _hot_ that they helped chase back the blackness and the cold. They held her. Helped her. Encouraged her to be strong. To fight.

And she fought.

She fought hard.

Fighting free of the void was like swimming to the top of a deep dark pond filled with icy water. Her limbs felt frozen. Her lungs burned. And her heart thundered against her ribs so hard she thought it would burst through her chest. But slowly, so slowly, she broke free of the sticky clinging blackness and clawed her way free of the icy void that had swallowed her.

Slowly, she fought free of _Morinth_ …

* * *

"Pandora?"

Pandora's eyes snapped open and she sucked in a breath and as she tried to sit bolt upright in bed. Something held her down, and she struggled harder for a moment, until she realised it was the sheets tangled around her legs and Kaidan's arms holding her down. The horrible dream with the ghost and the darkness lingered around the edges of her vision and she coughed violently as she remembered the foul taste of the shadow as it forced its way down her throat.

It had tasted vile; like perfume and Hallex.

"Fuck, that must have been some dream." Kaidan slowly let her go, his eyes dark with concern. His hands were warm as he trailed fingertips down her arms. "During the worst of it your biotics shook the bed and you were screaming and thrashing. What the hell had you going like that? Reapers?"

Pandora shivered and sank back against the pillows as she remembered the mocking laugh at the end of her dream; Morinth's laugh. The shadow and the blackness in her dream took on a more ominous shape, and the cloying taste of the darkness that had invaded her body seemed to linger on her tongue. She swallowed thickly and her stomach heaved as something seemed to stir and shift within her and the laughter echoed through her head.

Perhaps a memory.

Perhaps something more.

"No," she shook her head and thrust the bedsheets away from her. "Not reapers. I think I was dreaming about Morinth."

"You think?" Kaidan dropped down beside her, smelling reassuringly of biotics and the lingering scent of gun oil; which made a pleasant change from his usual stench of cigarette smoke.

Pandora nodded and curled against him, basking in the heat of his body and closing her eyes as she listening to the reassuring throbbing beat of his heart. "I couldn't tell. It was dark and cold and it, _she_ , was more like a ghost than an asari. But it caught me and squeezed me and forced it's way inside of me." She shivered, a lump of ice settling in her chest despite the warmth of his body against hers. "I couldn't get away until you woke me."

He was quiet for a while as he held her close, his hands tracing a soothing pattern over her back. It was strange to think of Kaidan as _soothing_ when he was such an unpredictable and aggressive personality, but somehow when he had his arms around her all the bad things seemed to fade away and she felt calm.

"Maybe you need to speak to someone?" He said at last, his voice gruff and uncertain. "Morinth violated you, and god knows what kind of damage she could have done. It was the asari version of rape and she wasn't a normal asari. She was an Ardat Yakshi, and I'm not Chakwas or Miranda know enough about it to really understand what might have happened." His hands kept moving over her back in slow circles. "It could be nothing, but maybe you should speak to Samara? See if she's heard of anything like this happening before."

The thought of Morinth having done something to her, of the dream being something more than just dream sent a spear of terror straight through her, and the laughter echoing in her head seemed to get louder for a moment before it faded. A chill spread over Pandora's skin and goosebumps prickled across her flesh as she shivered. Kaidan's arms tightened around her and she huddled close as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"I'll talk to Samara," she agreed softly, "but I don't want to think about her having done something to me. Having her inside of my head once was bad enough. I need to not think about it right now. I need to concentrate on something else."

The thought genuinely scared her, but she bundled her fear into a tiny internal compartment and swallowed it down; she had never been one to let fear rule her, and she wasn't about to start now.

Kaidan nodded and let his breath out slowly. "Well," he hesitated and fiddled with a lock of her hair, his eyes hardening in a way she hadn't seen in a long time. "There is something I've been wanting to talk to you about."

"Yeah?" She sat up straighter, eager to let him distract her.

"You know I've been going through Cerberus' records?" He waited for her to nod and then continued. "I found something yesterday which surprised me." Kaidan clenched his jaw, and the muscles in his neck tightened. "Cerberus had copies of my records from my time at BAaT, and I mean copies of everything. Medical records, performance reports, psych evaluations, even-" he broke off again and clenched his fists, his muscles tightening as though he were struggling to control his temper. "Even copies of orders that Cerberus had given to _them_ about me." Kaidan turned his honey coloured eyes on her. "What the hell does that mean? That Cerberus had a hand in BAaT? That they were meddling in what happened to us when we were kids? I always thought it was just The Alliance and Conatrix Industries, but what if it was more?"

"You want to find out?" Pandora asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, I want to go back to what's left of Gargarin Station and pull BAaT's records. But it's more than that. I've told you some of what they did to us, what Vyrnnus did to _me_ until I killed him. But I didn't tell you everything. Things were worse afterwards; they were excited to see the power I had, so they pushed us harder. And the other kids at the facility … it was like they were expendable. The L2 implants drove a lot of us mad and broke more. At the time, I didn't care. I just wanted to break things, destroy things, to be the best, or the worst, I don't even remember clearly, but I know that they tested a lot of drugs on us to try and dim the implant's pain and to increase the power output. Kids died, a lot of kids, and no one seemed to care, not even our parents."

Kaidan flung the sheets back and got out of bed, wisps of blue flickering over his skin as he stalked back and forth across the floor. "So yeah, I want to go back and see how deep into BAaT Cerberus had their claws. When the _accident_ happened on Gargarin Station and Cerberus scooped me into their program I didn't think much about it, but what if they knew what was coming and were waiting for me? What if they planned for BAaT to end at some stage and for themselves to take over?" He glowered at the floor. "But what I really want to do is go back to that place and blow it sky high. I want to get a big fucking bomb, plant it in the middle of that station and blow it to kingdom come. I want to wipe it off the map for everything they put me through."

His anger gave her something to focus on and helped chase her fear back, and Pandora followed him out of bed. She closed her arms around him as he paced and forced Kaidan to stand still while she hugged him. He almost felt like he was vibrating in her arms, his biotics were so stirred up by his agitation, and she had the feeling it was taking everything in Kaidan not to knock her away to keep pacing.

"What about your family?" she asked. "You never talk about them, but didn't they try to get you out of BAaT if it was that bad?"

Kaidan shrugged and stiffened against her, his muscles tightening. "I never saw them again after I left for BAaT. Contact with our families wasn't encouraged and they never answered my calls or replied to my letters, and I stopped trying after the incident with Vyrnnus. They made it clear they didn't care about what happened to me and I've never tried to contact them since. So fuck them."

"I'm sorry, Kaidan." Pandora hugged him, ignoring the way he rigidly stood in her embrace. Eventually he sighed and relaxed into her arms, looping an arm around her waist and pulling her to him.

His family was a sore point with him, that much was clear, but she couldn't imagine he was really as indifferent as he acted. Family was important, and she could imagine the young Kaidan who had been ushered off to BAaT had missed them very much. Her own family meant the world to her, and though her mother, Hannah Shepard, had died during the Battle of the Citadel, she was still close with her father and religiously checked for messages from him every day.

"Don't be, I do fine on my own. It's how I like it." He seemed to realise what he said and he let out a soft laugh and pulled her closer. "Present company excluded."

"Ah, of course." She went up on tip toe and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I'll talk to Joker and get him to lay in a course. It shouldn't be a problem to detour to the Sol system to Gargarin Station, but you might not be able to find much out anyway. Last I heard it was mostly just a burnt-out shell that had been stripped back to its bare bones."

Kaidan shrugged. "Even if I don't find anything I still want to blow it up. The things they did to us at that place; the pain, the torture, all the death-" He growled. "I need to get some closure."

"Okay, consider it done." Pandora stepped back from him and raised her eyebrows as she very deliberately changed the subject. "Join me in the shower?"

He smirked and reached out to take her hand, his thumb tracing over her knuckles. "Ah, now that sounds like a good idea."

* * *

"Joker, what's our ETA to Jump Zero?" Pandora asked as she paused outside of the Starboard observation lounge. Even through the closed doors she could feel Samara's energy crawling over her skin; the biotics meditative power pulsing out in gentle waves.

" _Approximately thirty minutes, Commander_ ," EDI answered her instead, and Pandora flinched as Joked immediately came over the comm, his tone annoyed.

"Hey, I believe she was talking to me! Is your name, Joker? No, I didn't think so."

" _My apologies, Mr. Moreau_ , _but as you were in the middle of relieving yourself in the bathroom, I thought I would save you the trouble of hurrying back here unnecessarily._ " The AI sounded placating, and Pandora sighed as instead of accepting her apology, Joker continued to argue with the ship's new artificial intelligence.

No matter what she tried, they just weren't getting along and ' _frustrating'_ was a mild word for it.

Pandora switched off the comms to silence their bickering without a second thought, and knocked on the door to Samara's sanctuary.

"Enter." The word was clipped and brisk, and she entered quickly, aware that she was intruding on Samara's meditation time to ask her a question about her dead daughter. The Justicar was standing facing her and she nodded politely as the door whooshed closed behind her. "Commander, what can I do for you?"

"May I sit down?" Pandora nodded at the lounges that had been set up facing the stars, and when Samara nodded she took a seat. "I've come to ask you a question about asari and Ardat Yakshi, and, I suppose, a question about what Morinth did to me."

The asari blinked in surprise. "Of course, if it's in my power to answer I will."

"Morinth managed to join our minds, it was only for a moment before Kaidan tore her away, but since then I haven't felt right. At first I thought it was just the trauma of what happened, but the feeling isn't going away. It's getting worse." She shifted in the seat and glanced down at her hands, remembering the whispers that had haunted her dreams, the dark flashes in her memories, and the feeling of someone watching her. "I feel like part of Morinth is still here, like she left a piece of herself behind – inside of me. Does that make sense?"

She expected the Justicar to either tell her she was being silly and wave her concerns aside, or for her to be sympathetic and explain that it was the trauma of what had happened to her, but what she wasn't expecting was for Samara's eyes to widen in shock. She crossed the room in two strides and knelt in front of her, catching her hands and holding onto them tightly.

"You say you feel her _inside of you_? What else? Dreams? Whispers? Have you had visions or memories that are not your own?" Her silvery eyes were intense and Pandora pulled her hands free.

"I've had bad dreams and I've heard whispers, but that's the extent of it. Sometimes I feel like I can see her inside of my head, like she's present in memories when I know she wasn't there." She clasped her hands together and struggled not to draw back from Samara. "Does that mean something?"

Samara nodded and she got to her feet and gracefully reclined on the couch beside her, taking in a deep breath. "It does, and you will not like what I will tell you, but if Morinth has done what I think she has … there is only one thing I can do to help you."

Pandora didn't like the sound of that. "What has she done?"

"You have melded with asari before? Did they explain the purpose of it?" The asari answered evasively, her tone soothing.

"Mating and sharing memories, right?"

"Yes, but it can be more than that." Samara rubbed her eyes, and suddenly looked old again. She looked like a woman who had lost a daughter, like a woman who hadn't been sleeping properly, and like someone who was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. "For some asari it is a way to share pieces of themselves with those they love. They can share intimate memories or thoughts. Tell me, when Morinth melded with you, was she trying to mate with you? Was it immediately sexual?"

Pandora clenched a hand into a fist as she remembered Morinth folding herself around her and gazing down with eyes like stars. She had willingly fallen into them, tumbling into the darkness and losing herself in the asari with a desperate longing that had been alien to her; because it had been Morinth's own desire's projected onto her. She could remember Morinth melding her mind to hers, the power overwhelming her as she flicked through her thoughts and memories carelessly, exploring her most private moments and invading her most guarded thoughts.

She had been planning to mind-rape her, and her thoughts had most definitely been sexual, but first and foremost Morinth had been curious, and she'd been happily exploring her memories.

"She went through my memories," Pandora shivered, an icy feeling closing about her heart as a shadow flicked through her mind, the ghostly figure from her dream hissing as it threw itself deeper into her memories; hiding. "She wanted to mate with me, but the first thing she did was flick through my thoughts and memories like they were a … picture book."

"Devious," Samara breathed and frowned. "I should have expected nothing less from Morinth." She looked up and explained, "I believe Morinth may have left part of herself with you when Kaidan tore her away. By accident or by design I do not know, but it has been known to happen when an asari melding is interrupted abruptly."

The cold feeling inside of her chest spread at Samara's words, icy cold and chilling, and Pandora clasped her hands tightly, her nails curling into her palms and biting into her flesh. "What do you mean _she left part of herself inside of me_? Can you get it out?" There was a hysterical edge to her voice, and she swallowed hastily.

"Of course," The justicar took her hands and smoothed them out, prising her nails out of her palms. "If you're not experiencing visions or memories that are not your own then it's most likely just a few memory fragments that were accidentally transferred to you. Removing them will be as simple as allowing me to merge with you. I could even do it now if you like-"

The thought of allowing Samara to merge with her, with her face and eyes so similar to her daughters, filled her with terror, and the shadow in the back of her mind stirred, almost as though her fear made it stronger.

"No!" The word burst out of Pandora before she could stop it, and she stood up, desperate to put some space between herself and the justicar. "I promised Kaidan I'd help him on a mission and we're leaving soon."

"Ah, well then, perhaps I could help you when you get back?" The asari stood up as well, her face thoughtful as though she knew what was troubling her. "The sooner you get these memories removed, the better, especially given the trauma that Morinth put you through."

Pandora nodded as she backed away. "Yes, yes. Thank you."

If Samara made a reply Pandora didn't hear it as she made an escape out the door and hurried down the hallway. Her heart was thundering in her chest and anxiety crawled through her body at the thought of letting another asari meld with her again. She didn't want to. She didn't want to let one of them into her head every again, but if Morinth had left a part of her inside of her mind she wasn't going to have a choice.

Pandora headed into the Armory to suit up for the mission at ruins of Jump Zero, her heart in her throat and fear crawling through her veins. She had to focus on the mission and on helping Kaidan get answers and get closure. She could be frightened and face her fears later, right now she had to be Commander Shepard and she needed to be strong, dammit.

She couldn't afford to fall apart.

* * *

 **A/N – Next chapter is Kaidan's loyalty mission. Not that he really needs one … but I want to explore what happened on Jump Zero and how this version of Kaidan ended up working for Cerberus and why he left them originally. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N – Well, this took a lot longer to write than I intended. A few people already know that a storm destroyed my house just before Christmas, so I haven't had much time to write over the last month of so. I've spent most of my time living in a motel and dealing with insurance. I'm finally in a rental house while they fix mine and replace my contents, but it's a slow process.**

 **Thank you, as always, to the people reading this story, and especially to the people kind enough to leave me reviews. Without your support I would probably have given up. So many many hugs to you all. I hope you enjoy this chapter as we delve a little into Kaidan's past!**

* * *

Gargarin Station rocked under Pandora's feet in an almost undetectable undulating motion; the burnt-out bulk sighing and groaning like a dying beast with each step. The vacuum of space may have been silent, but in the shadowy hallways of the station where atmosphere still clung, the noises echoed around them ominously.

The rusted remains of the once great station were alive with ghosts; with whispers and cries that could have been the creaking of metal or the slide of their boots against the floor, but which sounded eerily like _other_ people moving through the shadows around them.

A prickling sensation swept over the back of Pandora's neck, a sensation of eyes moving over her body, and for the third time in as many minutes, she paused and glanced behind her. Ghosts or not, she was certain there was someone in the dark, and she hefted the familiar weight of a gun in her hands. The rest of the ground team moved ahead without waiting for her, and she quickly caught up with them again, falling into step beside Kaidan and leaning across so he could hear her.

"Hey, I think we have someone following us," she told him, jerking her head behind them.

Kaidan glanced at her from the corner of his eyes, his expression giving nothing away, though his lips were compressed into a thin, tight line. "That's impossible," he murmured back quietly. "This place has been abandoned for years."

His dismissal stung, and Pandora drew in a slow, calming breath as a curl of resentment flicked through her. She needed to cut him some slack; Kaidan was walking back into the place where he had been tortured and abused, where his friends had been murdered in front of him, and where he had been twisted from a young happy boy into the angry criminal she had first met.

He was bound to be feeling … _emotional_.

She rallied herself and continued. "I thought so too, but I've been trained to know when someone is on my tail, and I've got that feeling." Kaidan looked like he was going to argue some more, so she held up a hand to forestall him. "I'm going to cloak and take a look around. At the worst, I'll discover I'm being paranoid, right?"

"True," he grunted, his eyes darting around the hallway as he sighed. "Something _doesn't_ feel right."

Pandora noticed that his knuckles had gone white as he gripped his shotgun.

She bit back the automatic urge to ask him if he was handling this okay, or if there was anything she could do to make him feel better. Kaidan didn't want her sympathy, and with Garrus and Zaeed walking beside them, he wouldn't appreciate a sentimental outpouring of affection. He could be frustrating like that; and his need to maintain his image as a tough guy was annoyingly typical of the kind of hyper masculine guy that she had dated in the past.

Without another word she stepped quietly into the shadows and activated her cloak, sinking into the inky darkness as the three men continued down the hallway towards the facility where Kaidan had been kept as a child. _What would it have been like_ , she wondered as she watched his broad back disappear, _to have your childhood stolen away like that? To have men in suits turn up on your doorstep one day and whisk you away without any say in the matter?_

So many kids had been taken away in the early days of human biotics; taken to Jump Zero and forced through the sub-contracted government training program. And how many kids like Kaidan had been tortured and twisted as they tested the limits of human biotics? How many had been pushed too far and had their lives shattered?

 _Hell_ , Pandora realised with a start, _if she'd shown signs of being a biotic as a child instead of in her teen years, there was every possibility she might have been shipped off to BAaT too – no matter who her father was._

The thought made her shiver.

A moment later her musings were interrupted as a shadow crossed in front of the corridor, and she froze as a figure approached her position. She held her breath, her heart thudding in her chest like a jackhammer as a large armoured figure prowled towards her. She scanned what she could as he approached; large, male, and wearing Blue Suns armour.

 _A mercenary._

What the hell were the Blue Suns doing here?

A thought seized her, icy and cold as it wrapped long frigid fingers around her brain and squeezed; where they after Kaidan? The Illusive Man had paid to have him freed, but that hadn't stopped them trying to go back on the deal and even trying to capture her too back on Purgatory. She followed the merc closely as he crept down the hallway, obviously trailing the distant figures of Kaidan, Zaeed and Garrus. They were keeping radio chatter to a minimum, but she expertly hacked into his comm system and listened to what she could.

From what she could pick up, they _were_ after Kaidan, but the Blue Suns were hoping to catch all of them. They had set up an ambush up ahead, and it sounded like they had maybe twenty men spread over the station lying in wait. She cursed silently. If she took this guard out now, then the Blue Suns would know they were onto them. It was better to leave him alive; to let them think they were ignorant of their presence on the station.

Pandora moved, ghost like, around the merc and hurried up the corridor as swiftly and silently as a shadow. Kaidan and the others were waiting at a junction, and she decloaked and stepped up beside them, signalling to keep moving as she spoke quickly.

"Blue Suns mercenaries. We have one on our tail, and they've set up an ambush ahead. Looks like they want to try and catch all of us," she turned her eyes on Zaeed. "You think they're after you for trying to take out Vido?"

"Dunno," he muttered and spat on the floor. "Wouldn't put it past the bastard." His eyes gleamed bitterly and he added, "But if you'd let me kill him, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess."

"And a lot of innocent people would be dead. Vido isn't worth their lives." Pandora didn't want to get into _this_ argument with Zaeed again, especially as she has a horrible feeling that in this particular crew she was undoubtedly in the minority with her views. Garrus and Kaidan undoubtedly felt that _an eye for an eye_ was a very fair way of dealing with someone like Vido.

Zaeed started to argue, but Kaidan flashed him a look with eyes that seethed with biotics and he shut up quickly, his face sullen and angry. Pandora didn't blame him for being angry with her; she'd cost him his revenge, and if someone she had trusted had betrayed her like Vido had him, she might be willing to do whatever it took to bring them down too.

 _Even killing innocents?_ A voice whispered. The thought was a repugnant, and she shivered. No. She would never let innocent lives be sacrificed for revenge. And if she was ever pushed that far she hoped someone stopped her like she had stopped Zaeed.

Some revenge wasn't worth the cost.

She turned back to the others. "I'm guessing they're after Garrus because of his stint as Archangel on Omega. You caused a lot of havoc and killed a lot of their men, and Kaidan," her eyes flicked to his. "Well, you still have a large bounty on your head in several systems. You're a valuable catch."

He smiled, but it was brittle around the edges. "So they tell me. Why would they want you?"

"The same reason they wanted me on Purgatory." Pandora curled her lip. "I'm valuable. They could ransom me back to Cerberus, and the Collectors still want me-"

Kaidan interrupted her before she could finish, swearing fluently in several languages, his biotics raising hairs along her arms as they stirred under his skin in a rush of power. "That's _not_ going to happen."

"No, it's not." She turned to Zaeed and Garrus. "We'll split up. I want you two to find an alternate route to the place they've set up their ambush and surprise them. Cause some havoc and, if you can, try to snag one and find out how they knew we'd be here. I'll give you the channel frequency they're communicating on so you can listen in."

Zaeed grinned diabolically and cackled. "A license to kill mercs, blow shit up, and cause trouble for the Blue Suns? Now you're talking, _sweetheart_."

"This will be fun." Garrus stroked a clawed hand down his Mantis sniper rifle, and Pandora guessed that he was looking forward to using it. He looked up at her suddenly, cocking his head in concern. "What about you?"

"We'll continue on and finished the mission." Pandora looked over at Kaidan who had a backpack containing the explosives and a detonator. "When it's done, we'll let you know and we'll meet back at the extraction point."

Kaidan pulled a face and some of the tension and anger receded a little. "If I wasn't about to set a really big fucking bomb to blow this place sky high, I'd complain about missing out on all the fun. But seeing as I am … ." He trailed off with a low chuckle and gave his backpack a pat. "Have fun killing mercs, boys."

She gave Garrus the frequency for the Blue Suns comms, then she and Kaidan headed off on their own. The new path they were taking was, according to EDI, much slower, but it would avoid most of the mercs. Not that Pandora really thought that she and Kaidan couldn't handle them by themselves, but the less combat and noise they made, they better off they'd be. Let the idiot Blue Suns assume they were with Garrus and Zaeed for as long as possible.

They continued through the winding rabbit warren of rusted metal and slowly corroding bulkheads. Checking for mercs carefully before they proceeded down each hallway. The darkness was oppressive, heavy with bad memories for Kaidan, and tension radiated from him as they pushed deeper into the facility. Eventually, he broke the silence.

"You never told me that the Blue Suns tried to capture you on Purgatory," he said as they were winding their way through a medical facility, the tiny little child-sized operating tables making Pandora's skin crawl sickeningly. "How'd you get away?"

She swallowed, remembering the prison ship and the horrors she'd seen. The thought of being caught by those people and being a prisoner there as Kaidan had been, of what they might have done to her, sent icy shivers down her spine. She'd had good reason to fight like hell to stay free; her entire team had.

"I refused to give up my weapons," she said smugly. "I think they assumed that because they had more people, more guns, and more mechs, that I'd just give up and give into their demands. But no way. Not after what I'd seen. I wasn't letting them take me."

Kaidan was silent for a moment, the darkness pressing close around them. "It was a bad place," he said simply, though the words carried a heaviness which made Pandora's heart hurt. "A different kind of bad to this place, but just as evil."

She looked over at him as they walked through the gloom, shadows passing over his features, some darker than others. "What happened here?"

He shrugged. "I told you about Rahna and Vyrnus, about what they did to me afterwards; the drugs, the torture, the violence. But what I didn't tell you was how much I liked it." Kaidan didn't look at her as he spoke. "I didn't like everything they did to me, and I hated the way Rahna and some of the others were scared of me, at least I was at first, but I became addicted to the power. The rush from the drugs, the thrill I got from using my biotics against the others, and the kick I got from being the strongest went to my head. I let them operate on me. I let them pump more and more drugs into me. I hurt people for them, and eventually I killed for them too."

They took a pitch-black side corridor, Kaidan leading the way through passageways that became more and more buckled and warped; as though a great force had blown outwards. Pandora reached out and touched them as she listened to him speak, running her gloved hands over tortured metal and wondering if he had done this.

"So why did you leave?" she asked softly, watching dust motes dance and swirl around them.

Kaidan glanced back at her. "I'm not an idiot; I knew I was being used. They were trying to make a weapon and I was their prototype. I didn't want to be some nameless _thing_ they rolled out when they wanted to impress people with _the power of human biotics_. Maybe my family had ditched me, but at the back of my head I knew I was still Kaidan and not this Subject Zero they kept calling me. So I fought back. I demanded rights. I wanted to be treated as a person and an Alliance recruit, and not as a lab rat."

Pandora could guess how well that had gone down. The Alliance had subcontracted BAaT so they could keep their hands clean of these experiments and training facilities while other people did the dirty work. They wouldn't have been pleased to have had Kaidan, a drug addled teenager, demanding to be acknowledged.

She followed him into what looked like science labs, though the equipment had been stripped back and every internal window had been shattered. Their boots crunched noisily on the broken glass that lay strewn across the floor. The place had a horrible feel, and Kaidan crossed to a terminal and attempted to start it. There was some power, but it didn't seem to give him the access he wanted, and he activated his omni-tool to hack it.

"How did they take that?" Pandora prompted when he didn't continue. Her voice seemed oddly loud in the silence, and distantly she heard the sound of what could have been an explosion, followed by gunshots and yelling; evidently Zaeed and Garrus had surprised the mercs.

Kaidan paused, his jaw tightening as he looked at her again, his eyes hard and almost fearful; like those of an angry creature that sensed it was about to be in trouble. Whatever they had done to him must have been bad.

He looked down at the terminal and rubbed a hand over his eyes as though seeing something unpleasant. "They got me high on Red Sand and made me fight other biotic students, there was nothing unusual about that, but this time one of those students was Rahna." His hands curled into fists and Pandora's skin tingled as he flared his biotics in a surge of emotion.

"I almost killed her. Maybe I did. I don't even know. They'd never made me fight so many people at once before and when I felt threatened I lost control and lashed out. When I came back to myself and realised what I'd done, all of them were lying there in the training room, their bodies all _twisted_ … and there was blood everywhere. I lost it. Even when Rahna hated me, at least she'd still been okay, but to hurt her, to have me hurt her," his voice trailed off. "I snapped. I attacked the scientists they sent in to try and sedate me and I officially "resigned" from BAaT the only way I could; by blowing my way out of there and stealing a shuttle."

Pandora bit her lip and started towards him. "Kaidan-"

"Don't," he said sharply. "I don't want sympathy or pity. _God_. Not from you."

The rawness in his voice was heartbreaking, and though Pandora slowed her steps, she still moved to him. "Where did you go, when you left? Your parents?"

"No." Kaidan shook his head irritably. "I haven't seen them since before BAaT. When I left, I hooked up with various crews for a while, some of them mercs and some raiders. I kept moving in case anyone came looking for me, and eventually someone did. Cerberus approached me one night when I was stoned out of my head on Red Sand in a bar. Offered me a deal that was too good to refuse, so I joined up with them." He snorted and went back to fiddling with the console. "It was hardly a match made in heaven. They were worse than BAaT in a lot of ways. They tested other drugs on me, some of them bad enough and addictive enough that I stay from most things now. The temptation to fall back into using them again is too strong."

He managed to get the console working and he entered in a command. Very slowly, it began to scan through data; transferring it to his omni-tool.

"Anyway," he continued as the data transferred over, "as well testing their drugs on me, Cerberus used me to do their dirty work. I didn't get on with anyone there especially well, and I did things for them which I wish I could forget. One day I decided I'd just had enough and walked away."

"Just like that?" Pandora asked, surprised it had been that easy.

"Just like that." He shrugged. "Cerberus came after me, of course. Hell, they even sent some of my old buddies after me." He smirked at something and shook his head. "Fucking Leng always thought he was better than me. Smug bastard."

"Leng?"

Kaidan glanced up at her, his eyes dancing with malice at whatever he'd done to this Leng. "He's no one. Cerberus sent him after me and I put him in his place. He's a rat bastard and I _never_ liked him."

He looked back at the terminal as the data transfer finished, and absently began to flick through the files. He paused every now and again, frowning as he read and before continuing to scan through them once more. Pandora let him work, watching his face in the orange glow of his omni-tool, his handsome jaw rough with stubble and his tattoos dark smudges in the low light.

Finally, he seemed to find something of interest and his brows drew together in a beetled frown. He swallowed hard and blinked, as though he couldn't believe what he was reading, then he turned and walked away agitatedly, clearly reading something over again.

"This … can't be!" Kaidan ground out, pacing angrily as he read and reread whatever he had found. "They couldn't have done this. No one is this fucked up. Not even _me_."

The tone of fury and pain in his voice was one Pandora _hadn't_ heard before, at least not from him, and she quickly moved to his side. "Kaidan? What is it?"

"Cerberus has files on me from my time at BAaT, and this one says my parents tried multiple times to get me out of there," he jerked away from her touch, his eyes wild as they flickered with biotic light, his power beginning to curl off him in wisps of blue smoke; deceptively gentle as it swirled through the air. "My father was trying to get a court injunction to bring me home, when-"

He cut himself off abruptly and, with a wordless scream that was filled with rage, he whirled and slammed his fist into the console he had just hacked. Glass and electronics sprayed across the ground with a violent tinkling and he yelled again, swearing furiously as he punched it over and over, cutting his fist to ribbons. His biotics trembled violently through the room, the low throbbing pulse like that of an oncoming storm as Kaidan curled his hands into fists and let out a scream that was filled with agonising pain. It was a sound of fury, hate and agony; and it reached into Pandora's chest and squeezed her heart.

"Kaidan! Stop!" She caught his hands as his power built again, the painful sizzle enveloping them both in the dancing blue light of his biotics.

He didn't seem to hear her as he wrenched his hands away and clutched his head, the gesture one of anger and stress, the same gesture which Pandora could well imagine a younger version of Kaidan making as he struggled to make sense of the world of BAaT. She caught him to her again, and his knees buckled and gave way. He was heavy, but she managed to lower them both to the floor.

Blood ran in rivulets down Kaidan's hand, the skin hanging in mangled flaps from ragged knuckles. His eyes were wild and they swirled with flecks of biotics, the power licking along his skin in delicate curls of flame-like blue. For a long time he couldn't seem to focus on her, he just stared frantically around the room as though realising where he was, then his gaze fell on her and a little humanity and calmness returned to him.

"Are you okay?" Pandora asked. It was a struggle not to look at the screen of the omni-tool which was still open, but she valued his privacy too much to pry.

Kaidan swallowed again and seemed to get himself under control. "My parents," he ground out finally. "They're dead."

"What? How?" She could see guilt and anger working their way across his face as he struggled to process this news.

He looked down at the open screen of his omni-tool and clicked it off. "It's all on here. Everything. The files were encrypted but with the codes you gave me I could read them and-"

"Kaidan!" Pandora cut him off, recognising shock setting in. "What did Cerberus do to them?"

"They got rid of them. Killed them in a shuttle crash on their way to the final meeting with an Alliance jury to get me out of BAaT. Cerberus organised it; they didn't want to let their most promising biotic slip away. Not their precious _Subject Zero_." His voice was almost emotionless, and Kaidan let out a sigh as he let the backpack he still wore slip from his shoulders and fall onto the floor.

"I had a baby brother who I'd never even met that they murdered in that crash too." This news seemed to upset him the worst of all and his jaw tightened, a muscle working. "All this time I thought they didn't care. That they'd left me in there to rot, but … ." He shook his head, his eyes promising vengeance; a little of his old fight returning to him. "I was so angry I never even tried to contact them. But all this time they were dead. All this fucking time."

She caught his hand, a painful ache starting in her heart at the guilt he must be feeling, but Kaidan's hand stayed tense and unyielding in hers. "Kaidan, I'm so sorry."

"My whole family, all dead because they wanted to get me out of BAaT and Cerberus didn't want to let me go." Kaidan pulled his hand from hers and began to set the explosives up in the middle of the floor, fury rolling off him in waves. "They _have_ to pay."

Pandora nodded, watching his hands as they trembled with rage. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to blow this place sky high," Kaidan growled, abandoning the explosives with a frustrated sound to reach out and catch her hand. He tugged her close and pressed his forehead against hers; his biotics humming powerfully against her skin. "And then I want to have a little talk with the Illusive Man. Someone has to pay for this. Someone has to fucking _pay_."

Something shifted in the back of Pandora's mind and with a flash of black leather, iridescent blue skin, and pale blue eyes, she felt Morinth wake, stirring with interest at the touch of Kaidan's biotics. The asari's predatory curiosity in his power as terrifying as it was unexpected as her laugh ghosted through Pandora's brain like a nightmare made flesh ...

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 **A/N – Poor Kaidan, looks like Cerberus has been meddling in his life far more than he realised. And it looks like Morinth is about to do some meddling … unless Samara can get her out before she causes trouble. I hope you guys liked this chapter! Reviews are always loved.**


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N - Oh gosh, I'm sorry about the delay with this chapter. I got really sucked into Mass Effect Andromeda and had a heard time tearing myself away from my Reyes x Ryder fanfic. Hopefully you all like this chapter! ^_^ Thank you to everyone who is reading along and reviewing - your feedback had kept me writing!_

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Pandora drew in a deep breath and watched the stars shining through the canopy above her, their faint twinkling light casting a muted glow over the bed. Flushed and sweaty, she ached slightly from both the physical exertion _and_ the position Kaidan just had her in, but she felt wonderful. A warm feeling of contentment seeped through her body as she lay curled in his arms, his biotics tingling against her skin like a familiar purr.

Kaidan was unusually quiet, and she could _almost_ feel him thinking as he lay against her, his thoughts turning over in his head as he stroked calloused fingers up and down her arm.

"Penny for your thoughts?" she asked quietly.

He grunted and slid a leg against hers, cuddling close. "Just thinking about my family and Cerberus."

"Ah."

Kaidan seemed to think of little else these days, and it _wasn't_ to his merit. His fury at Cerberus burned like a brilliantly lit torch within him, blinding him with hate. Miranda and Jacob had become enemies in his eyes, and he spat poison at them whenever they came near him. Other Cerberus workers fared no better, and as unfriendly and prickly as Kaidan had been before learning the truth, he had become ten time worse since.

Not that she blamed him.

Pandora lifted his hand to her lips and kissed each of his knuckles. "Are you any closer to deciding what you're going to do?"

"No." He sounded angry, sullen, and some of the warmth between them evaporated. "I want to find out which Cerberus team was behind my parents death and make them pay, but I can't do that on the Normandy, and I promised you I'd stay and help with the mission. Don't worry, I'll keep my word." His arms tightened around her as though to prove his words. "What about you? Have you seen Samara yet about your _little problem_?"

Her little problem was Morinth, who was growing stronger each day. The chill of her personality and the strength of her desires were like the darkening shadow of a creature surfacing from beneath still water. Pandora could see her rising, could feel her getting closer, but she couldn't seem to make herself do anything about it.

 _The thought of allowing Samara into her mind …_

Pandora shivered.

She _couldn't_ do it.

"Not yet," she confessed quietly. "But I will."

"You'd better." Kaidan leaned forward and nuzzled her neck, but his voice had an edge to it that made her shiver; and not in a good way. _He sounded genuinely unnerved_. "You started talking in your sleep again last night, and I'm pretty sure it was her I was hearing. The things you were saying. Fuck, it was terrifying."

Pandora shivered as she remembered the way Morinth had swirled within her when she felt Kaidan's anger and his power; the asari's interest piqued by his display of rage. But she was just a memory, a fragment, nothing more than a lingering ghost who would soon be gone. As terrifying as Morinth appeared in her mind, she didn't compare to the threat of the Collectors, and they were her focus right now.

"I'll get her taken care of soon, I promise." She stretched out a leg and ran her toe up and down Kaidan's calf muscle. "You're not worried she's going to possess me, are you?"

He snorted derisively, as though she were being ridiculous, but there was something in the way he looked down at her that said he wasn't so sure. "She can't … _can she_?"

"No," Pandora grinned. "At least, I don't think so."

"Great, I guess I'll just move ' _possession by the ghost of a murderous vampire asari'_ onto the maybe pile." Kaidan gaver her a quick squeeze, seemed to hesitate and then asked, "not to change the subject, but is it true we have to leave the Normandy while they install that creepy reaper device?"

"The Reaper IFF?" When he nodded, she continued. "Yeah, just in case something goes wrong or it's bugged. EDI and Miranda both think it will be safer for key staff members and the ground team to be off the Normandy-"

"And they're just going to leave all the non-essential staff up here? Fucking typical." He sat up and glared at a spot on the far side of the wall. "Doesn't that bother you?"

"Well, a little, yeah." Pandora shrugged. "But we can't afford to evacuate everyone and leave the ship undefended and unstaffed. Hell, we don't even have the shuttles to get everyone off. We can barely fit the people that I consider essential onto the shuttle we do have." She pulled the sheet up around her and nestled into the softness of the pillow as Kaidan scowled, his eyes glinting in the half-light of the bedroom. "What? You think I'm going about this the wrong way?"

He hesitated and shrugged. "I just don't trust Cerberus."

Pandora bit back the sigh that threatened to break from her mouth. Of course he didn't trust Cerberus; they'd ruined his life, stolen his childhood, and murdered his family. But hadn't the last few months on the Normandy at least shown him that her team could be trusted? That while The Illusive Man might be as shady as all hell, the people on the ship were doing their best to operate with integrity and honesty?

"Kaidan, have I ever done anything to make you doubt me?"

He looked at her, his golden eyes flickering agitatedly with sparks of blue. "No, _you're_ the reason I stayed when I realised how fucked up Cerberus really was, but I don't trust the rest of _them_ as far as I can throw them. They never tell you the whole story, and if they want you off the ship, there's a good reason for it. They don't want to risk their _big investment_." His tone dripped with scorn, and Pandora winced.

"I trust Miranda completely, you know," she told him quietly, choosing not to engage over him calling her Cerberus' investment. He wasn't wrong, and his bitterness was understandable. "You could try to trust her, too. Especially since you two are going to be working together until this mission is over-"

His gaze snapped up to hers, flashing blue fire. "Look, you can associate with that bitch all you want," Kaidan all but spat, his eyes narrowing as he crossed his arms defensively. "I don't like her and she doesn't like me, and I'm sick of her defending Cerberus. The only Cerberus employee I really want to deal with is _you_. Believe me, If I could, I'd pull the plug on this mission right now and leave all the Cerberus sycophants behind me."

Pandora blinked, taken aback by the venom in his tone. "Wow."

He grunted and lifted a shoulder in a shrug. "It's got nothing to do with you. I promised I'd stay and I will, but ... it's Cerberus. I can't stand being here with them. Not after I found out what they did. It's like being fucking tortured all over again."

Her heart squeezed; _she knew how he felt._ "They've hurt me too you know. Akuze-"

"It's not the same. You have no idea what it's like to be the reason your parents are dead." Kaidan's words were sharp, dismissive, his tone burned with bitterness, but there was also a frostiness which she hadn't heard in a long time, and Pandora stiffened.

She rolled away from him and sat up, her blue eyes narrowing. "You're not the only person who's lost a parent, and you have no idea what I've lost or what I've been through."

Memories of her mother's death seared like acid, ate away at that place deep inside of her where she locked them rather than face up to what she had done and go mad, and she clenched her fists, recognizing that her anger was illogical, that she was fighting Kaidan's pain fueled fire with fire of her own. He didn't know what she had been through, what she had lost when the geth attacked the Citadel and she had made the fateful decision to order the Alliance fleet to stay behind and protect the Council.

 _Mom._

Pandora closed her eyes, the pain as fresh as ever. It hurt that Kaidan seemed to think that she had never been touched by loss, that she had no idea what it was like to lose someone she cared about; to be _responsible_ for the death of someone she cared about. Her mother had been captain of one of the Alliance ships destroyed by Sovereign's geth; she had been killed covering for the Destiny Ascension so that the Council could escape.

Killed following an order that her daughter had given.

But Kaidan didn't know that. He didn't know that she had killed her own mother.

He looked at her for a solid minute, the seconds ticking by in a heavy silence so thick Pandora feared she would choke on it. She could almost see the chill in his eyes intensifying as he tried to work out her angle, the paranoid shadows in his eyes darkening as he tried to work out if she was trying to cheer him up, or trying to play him. A lifetime of being used and abused, of being lied to, had made Kaidan suspicious of everyone, and a few months with someone who genuinely cared for him wasn't going to change that.

A red flash moved through her mind, snickered in the shadows, pointed out that Kaidan was too much for her; he was too powerful.

And maybe Morinth was right, but Pandora didn't like the greed she felt from the ghostly shadow in her head when it looked at Kaidan, or the way she flickered to life when Kaidan got angry and his biotics flared. There was something terribly hungry in the way she lurked in her head and watched him, something awful and predatory.

Morinth had to go.

Kaidan, unaware of the thoughts flying through her head, sat up and aimed a frustrated stare at her. "So then tell me, who did you lose, Pandora? Huh? What makes you so qualified to understand this? Because from what I know about your childhood it was pretty fucking idyllic. You had parents who loved you, parents who got you all the training you needed without shipping you off to some godforsaken facility where you were tortured, and parents who weren't fucking murdered by Cerberus!"

His voice rose with anger as he spoke, and his words slashed through the air like razor sharp knives. Pandora actually started to shrink back before she caught herself and stayed firm. She sat up and faced him, this time not bothering to check her fury as it crawled from that bitter pit inside of her and slithered down her skin, her biotics flickering like a feeble candle next to the bonfire that was Kaidan, but flickering angrily all the same.

 _How dare he act like he knew everything about her? How dare he!_

"No, my parents weren't murdered by Cerberus," she spat, "but my mother was killed by the geth when they attacked the Citadel, and it was my fault. My fault, Kaidan, do you understand? It wasn't some evil organisation that killed her, it was my fucking order to stay and save the council that got her killed, and I have to live with that. So don't condescend to me and act like I don't know what it's like to lose people and feel like the world is going to shit around me. I know! I didn't even have time to mourn her before I was killed myself!"

She fired her words off at him like sniper bullets, and was pleased to see each of them sink home with dramatic effect as Kaidan's mouth opened and closed, and he actually showed a little human emotion. His eyes widened as he winced, and when she grabbed her bed shirt and made to leave he caught her wrist and held her fast, his biotics pulsing against her skin, crawling against her like a thousand little insects.

"What?" she snarled, her temper beyond the breaking point as the remembered pain bubbled below the surface.

Kaidan's eyes searched hers, and he left out a breath, his fingers curling about her wrist and slowly tugging her back into bed. "I'm sorry," he said gruffly, stiffly, the words coming out as though he were speaking an unfamiliar language. "I didn't know, and I'm an asshole. Just … don't go."

For a moment Pandora resisted, and a large part of her was tempted to tear herself from his grasp and walk away, to make him chase her and beg forgiveness. _An idiotic notion,_ the logical part of her realised even as the thought occurred to her. _Kaidan hadn't known how hurtful he was being. He's an arrogant jerk and he shouldn't have said those things, but he's too proud to chase after me when he's already apologised. If anything I'd be left brokenhearted and alone._

It hit her then, almost like a biotic punch to the face, why their shared pain meant so much to her, why she cared so much that Kaidan shared his mourning with her, and why she wanted him to let her in.

 _She loved him._

She loved every horrible little thing about him. She loved his tattoos and his arrogance. She loved that he always had a five o'clock shadow and that he didn't wear a shirt. She even loved his stupid nicotine stained fingers.

Pandora almost laughed at herself, but the desperate, choking emotions in her chest weren't something she could bring herself to laugh at. Loving Kaidan was dangerous. The dream that he might want more than a fling with her too, that he might truly care for her, maybe even love her, bubbled under the surface, and the urge to laugh rose again.

 _Stupid!_ She thought furiously, _I'm so stupid to even think about such a ridiculous girly thing!_ Kaidan wasn't the kind of man to fall in love. Lust maybe, but not love. She wasn't even sure that he'd fight for her if she ever seriously decided to walk away from him. Sure he had stopped her once, but only because he hadn't been done with their little affair.

 _What about when he grew tired of her?_

The thought depressed her, but their relationship had never been anything except physical. Had it? She looked back at him, met his eyes and tried to read his expression, tried to see something in his gaze about how he really felt about her ... but Kaidan's eyes were as guarded as ever. Still, the fingers he kept wrapped around her wrist were desperate, like iron, and she took comfort in the knowledge that he didn't want to let her walk away.

At least, not today.

With a sigh, Pandora let him pull her back into his arms, and she rested her head on his shoulder and listened to the familiar hum of his biotics against her ear. It felt good to be in his arms, even when she was angry with him it felt right to he held by him, and she determinedly let go of all the insecure thoughts swirling around her head. This was where she wanted to be; he felt like home.

"You are a jerk," she agreed as his hands swept low across her back, his fingertips tingling against her skin. "But you didn't know. It's not like I go around advertising that I killed my-"

"You didn't," he interrupted firmly. "The geth did."

"Yeah, and now we have a geth on board and I'm working with _him_ ," Pandora pointed out.

Kaidan tensed against her, then he let out a wry chuckle and tightened his arms. "Point taken. I'll try not to be so hostile towards Miranda, okay?"

She grinned and kissed the side of his neck, her anger sliding away. "It'll do."

"Good." Kaidan tipped her head back and slowly kissed her, nipping gently at her lower lip and then sucking on it gently as he tipped her back on the bed, the warmth of his mouth stirring things low in her belly.

He deepened the kiss, teasing her lips open with smaller kisses, and then swirled his tongue around hers as he eased himself between her legs; the hot velvety warmth of his erection brushing against her stomach as he trapped her between his arms. Pandora responded back urgently, hungrily, desperately needing to be close to him after their brief but fiery fight.

Somehow, the discovery that she loved him had fueled her desire to be with him, and though the words burned on the tip of her tongue, _I love you_ , longing to spill out, she held them back. She swallowed them down and curled around them protectively, holding those important feelings tight and dreaming that one day, maybe, he might return them.

For now, _for tonight_ , making love with Kaidan was enough; even if she couldn't say the words.

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 _A/N - Oh Pandora ... she's in love. But how does Kaidan feel? ;) Please drop me a review!_


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